Saturday, December 22, 2007

Scientists Make Leap Forward in Zombie Virus Research - Oslo, Norway, January 2047

Scientists from three Universities on three continents have uncovered some of the fundamentals that seem to be the cause of the behavioral changes in patients infected with the RD-virus, among the public referred to as the Zombie Virus. Dr. Angelson of Oslo University, research coordinator for this project, stated today in a press conference that the virus seems to specifically target the higher brain functions that are associated with social behavior and empathy. Patients are often behaving like wild animals, without any signs of being socially aware of their environment. Other areas that seem to be affected are the brain center that causes fear and pain. Having lost the knowledge of how to feed themselves as we are used to, they look for the most abundant source of food around them; other humans. The virus seems to be highly infectious and has now been diagnosed on all five continents. Epidemiologists have been studying zombie movies like George Romero's Living Dead series in detail since the outbreak started three years ago. They are amazed at how accurately real life seems to be catching up with these movies, although we are not where 'Night of the Living Dead', the first installment of the series took off, yet...

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Moon Jumping Contest on Phobos Leaves over 1000 People Missing - Mars Central, Mars, March 14 2223

The increasingly popular yearly Moon jumping contest on Phobos has left one man immensely wealthy and 1013 people lost in space. This year's edition also saw a maximum amount of contestants, over 25000. It seems more people are willing to risk their lives to become a billionaire overnight. Contest officials say this year people were again very creative making up devices to shoot them up into space ranging from springs, to hydraulic devices to fuel-driven contraptions, in an attempt to bring them as far from Phobos without escaping its gravitational pull. Gargoyle Swenson of Mars Central took the grand prize of a 100 billion Universal Credits this year. 'I am going to move to Earth and party for the rest of my life', was his comment. The contest is one of the few ways to leave Mars and its depressing mining towns. People have to save on average about 5 years to pay for the trip from Mars to Phobos. Phobos was the second extraterrestrial object to be colonized (in 2153) by humans and was used a stepping stone to develop Mars as a colony. Janet Grenache, this year's runner up told our reporter that this was the worst outcome and being asked if she would try again, she said she would never compete again. After this definite statement she left the press and bystanders in awe when she loaded her power spring boots at maximum tension and intentionally disappeared into the voids of outer space. In the Phobos Jumping Contest the winner takes it all.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Foie Gras Smugglers Get Sentenced to Life in Prison - Maastricht, The Netherlands, July 15 2015

Three French citizens have been sentenced to life in prison for attempting to smuggle 60 kilos of goose liver into the Netherlands. The trio was arrested after crossing the Dutch border from Belgium, where foie gras is not prohibited. The Dutch government raised the sentence from 20 years to life in prison in a controversial bill last year. This is the first time this harsh sentence has been given in the Netherlands for this offence. Chicago initiated the immer growing international ban on foie gras in 1996 as the first city to outlaw the delicacy. The Dutch judge admitted three lives are wrecked by this sentence, but according to the new law there was only one outcome possible. The highly successful 'Partij voor de Dieren' (Party for the Animals) who holds only 8 percent of the popular vote has been benefiting from the need for deals in the current Dutch minority government. As a single-issue party they have been able to push many of their issues through by deals with other parties in need of enough votes to have their own legislature pass. The French government has filed an official complaint with the European Parliament and is threatening to take the matter to the International Court, ironically situated in The Hague in The Netherlands. France also announced it will stop all cheese import and export to and from The Netherlands. The French foreign secretary declared: 'The French can certainly live without Dutch cheese, but the Dutch can't without French cheese.'

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Old Tradition Puts Netherlands on US Black List - Washington DC, December 1 2024

The Netherlands, one of the oldest democracies in the world is black-listed (pun not intended) by the US government. Secretary of State Daren Powell stated President Jackson has cancelled his scheduled visit to the small country in the heart of Europe. The reason is that the Jackson administration can't visit a country where the most widely celebrated holiday is a tradition where a white bishop-like figure hands out toys to kids with help from black servants. Sinterklaas (Saint Nicolas), as the festive children's holiday is called, takes place on the fifth of December. An old grey haired red robed saint whose origin dates back to 12th century Turkey comes in his steamboat from Spain to reward children who have been 'good' with gifts. He is aided by a merry band of 'Zwarte Pieten' (Black Petes), men painted black with shoe polish and wearing black tights. They perform acrobatic tricks, traditionally behave dumber than average people and throw handfuls of candies whenever they get a chance. A press officer for the White House declared the President could not as an African-American visit a country were children are taught that colored people are the dim-witted servants of a white man. He stated that he and all Americans have been struggling and fighting for minorities' rights for too long to ignore this issue for the sake of international relations. 'What signal would the first black President of this country be sending to his voters and the rest of the world?', the White House official stated in the press conference. The Dutch Secretary of State tried to persuade the administration to reverse the decision, stating that it was an innocent custom that in no way teaches people race inequalities. 'They are fairy tale figures, just like Santa Claus' elves, and children do not associate them with people of color as many studies have pointed out.' He admitted inviting the first black US President to the Sinterklaas celebrations was maybe an unfortunate choice, but they just happened to coincide and it seemed an opportunity to show something culturally unique to the country. There have been discussions in the Netherlands about the Zwarte Pieten from the 1980's on. At some point the Zwarte Pieten were replaced by 'Rainbow Petes', their faces painted in all different colors. The Netherlands is threatening to withdraw their US ambassador.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Child Porn Cybercops Die in Bust-gone-bad Shoot-out – Peoria, IL, December 11 2008

In a bizarre incident two child porn cybercops who were both under the assumption that they were meeting with a potential sex offender ended up shooting each other. One was a local cybercop and the other with the Child Porn Task Force of the FBI. Both officers were unaware of each other's investigation. Eyewitnesses stated that both pulled their guns at the same time and both of them showed their badges. Neither officer was willing to put down their weapon. After a long silence one of them twitched and they both opened fire. 'It was just like High Noon', one of the bystanders told our reporter. Both were fatally wounded in the head and died at the scene. Their names have not been released by the local police or the FBI. Spokespersons for both institutions declared the loss of two good law officers an unfortunate incident with no one to blame. This re-opens the debate about a centralized crime investigation database once again.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Pop Goes the Light Bulb - Canberra, May 2 2009

Australia has been aggressive in trying to force their population to use fluorescent light bulbs or 'Twisty Bulbs', as they are also known. The traditional light bulbs have been banned by the government since last October and people can be fined a 100 ASD per screwed in traditional bulb. The policy hasn't had much effect, as there is no way to enforce the measure. Last night the Australian Energy Department ordered without announcement to send a short power surge through the entire Australian power grid. As a result the banned traditional bulbs popped in households across the nation, but not the government approved twisty bulbs, which have been designed to withstand the limited power surge. People were outraged by the intrusive action by the Australian government. Jake Spencer, the Energy Commissioner defended the policy by saying that people have been well-informed that using the old bulbs is a crime and that this is a legitimate way to get rid of them once and for all. He added: 'Expect more of these unannounced surges in the coming year as people have stocked up on the old bulbs when we started going after them aggressively. I wish we could rid ourselves of more illegal devices with one push of a button.' To illustrate he stated that if they could remove illegal weapons by remote means, it would have been done already. Protests against increased government involvement in the home space were seen around the country. Shops around the country also reported record sales of fluorescent light bulbs and most were out of stock by the end of the day.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Redrawing of European Borders Approved by European Parliament - Brussels, October 27 2032

The European Union has agreed to redraw the borders of the European Union one last time. Many countries and minority groups have filed requests to change their countries' frontiers after the breakup of Belgium went in effect on April 1 of this year. Protests have been flaring up since this dramatic change in the heart of the EU became reality after the Belgian government signed the issue over to the EU Parliament. This has caused serious instability to many regions in the EU. The EU wants to rid itself from this fragile situation once and for all. Any organized minority group or country that wants to make a claim to redrawing borders can submit a request to the European Union until the end of 2033 starting today. Amongst the countries and minorities that are expected to make a claim are the Basque people, Moldavia, Kurds and Armenians in Turkey, Catholics in Ireland and many of the minorities in the Balkan. Some people predict that even long established regional minorities may seize the opportunity to break up borders that have been stable for two hundred years or more, like the Frysians in the Netherlands, the Sami people in Scandinavia and the Scottish in England. Many people fear it will be a repeat of the Paris Peace Conference of 1919, seen by many historians as the cause of the Second World War. Several countries outside the EU have voiced their concerns. UniAm, the United American League of Nations, has delivered a statement that they are very apprehensive about this decision, that they hope that the EU will reconcile on this far-reaching policy and stressed that they won’t help out, as they have in the past, if the European continent gets plunged into war because of this. The EU commission says they are aware of the unrest this decision is causing and realize it will be a hard and painful process in which not all parties can be pleased. Every claim will be taken seriously, but according to the press release the redrawing will take many years of discussion and legislature and the commission does not expect many claims will be rewarded. The old Redrawing Feasibility Commission will be disbanded and reformed to become the Redrawing Claims Commission with the addition of representatives of all countries and minorities involved. Israel is seizing the opportunity and stated that they will again make a claim to become part of the European Union, now that the EU borders are under discussion.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Big Mac and Globes Get Unpegged - United Nations, New York, September 2034

The Globe, the virtual world currency that was introduced in 2023 when monetary fluctuations were causing a financial world crisis, will no longer be pegged to the price of a Big Mac. The McDonalds favorite is no longer viable as a monetary unit now that the burger company is retreating from more and more countries and can't seem to get out of the slump it has been in. The IMF declared it will probably look at pegging the Globe to five or more globally used products. Rumors have it that Coke, Starbucks and Heineken are to be part of the list. Analysts are speculating on what the public will choose to replace 'Big Mac' with as slang for the Globe. Frappé, Coke or Heini just don't sound as good.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Hybrid or Transformer? - Osaka, Japan, December 5 2009

Honda, the second largest car maker in the world has surprised friends and foes at the 2009 Japan Car Show. They unveiled their newest hybrid called the Honda Morpho. Not only does the car boast a 120 mpg outclassing all of its rivals, but the rather dull looking average mid-size hatchback can morph into a sleek, powerful race car that can compete with Europe's finest with one push of a button. Not only the exterior changes, but an intricate system of expanding tubes, cylinders and air intake turn the gas saver into a fuel-guzzling racer from hell. Naka Hirato, the lead designer gave us some insights into why Honda comes out with this uber-hybrid: 'Honda asked me to come up with something to break open the hybrid market for the younger demographic. The idea is that when you are driving alone you use the 'Dr. Jekyll' mode and save some money, but in the evening when you pick up your date, you turn it into 'Mr. Hyde'; a hot rod that will outperform about 95 percent of cars on the streets.' The 'Evil Twin' version of the car barely reaches 4 mpg.

Friday, November 16, 2007

The Red Sox Go Yellow and Green? - Boston, August 11 2012

Fenway Park and the Red Sox go green with a yellow (or is it golden?) twist. Last night the home of the Red Sox premiered their new environmental initiative. Without any announcements loyal fans discovered a novelty while emptying their bladders. All of the stadium's urinals were equipped with a long tube with small water wheels in them. Small amounts of electricity are generated each time someone takes a leak and stored in high efficiency fuel cells. The bathroom lights in the whole stadium are powered by this new green or 'yellow' energy as people immediately branded it. E-mails, blog posts and GoogTube videos spread the news virally. Marketing advisor for Fenway Park, George Bunsen said they specifically decided not to inform the press beforehand and let the internet do its work. He also stated that handing out free beers with the slogan "Drink More Bud and Save Energy" worked miracles to feed this hilarious new way of saving energy sponsored by the King of Beers. People were thrilled with the new initiative and some GoogTube videos showed women taking a peek in the men's room. Some women admitted they were jealous they could not contribute to this great cause. Jamie Constanz, the inventor and patent owner stated that they signed a contract with the Amsterdam Arena, the home of soccer club Ajax and was delighted over this European deal and added: 'After Amsterdam we are going aggressively after the UK market. Hell, we might even be able to feed energy back to the grid with the British drinking habits'. Fenway Park closed their bars with a beer selling record.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Garbage Archipelago officially recognized as continent by United Nations - New York, USA, July 19 2043

The United Nations declared the big pile of garbage drifting in the Pacific Ocean, also known as the Pacific Trash Vortex that has seen its population skyrocketing over the last five years, as an official continent. Estimates put the population of the new continent at around 16 million people. The United Nations will probably name the continent themselves after representatives of the drifting islands declined the offer by the UN to put out a vote amongst its inhabitants to officially name the floating mass. One of the representatives stated that the island is an anarcho-chaotic free society and does not want any form of government and related institutions, including voting. The big garbage patch, made out of trash from all the countries that make up the Pacific Rim gathered by currents known as the North Pacific Gyre, was first discovered in the early 1980's. The first inhabitants were spotted in 2010. People are living of fish and the vast undergrowth of marine plants and algae. Water is collected from rainfall. The large increase 5 years ago came after the floating mass was proven to be self-sustainable without requiring the import of any products from outside. Although some worry that the island won't be able to keep up with the population explosion, environmental experts say the continent is still growing at a faster rate than the increase in people, allowing for an even faster growth rate than is taking place right now. The United Nations said it could no longer ignore the growing population of the continent. The overall reaction of its inhabitants is that they don't care about the recognition and don't want any involvement from outside.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

'Keep Lindsay Sober' down! 'Save Britney' up! – Los Angeles CA, February 2 2011

Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, competing for viewers for the fifth year in a row may see their battle ending at the end of the season. Lindsay's show "Keep Lindsay Sober" has been seeing a consistent drop in viewers week on week now that Belle Mayers, the current 'Angel' of the show has managed to keep Lindsay out of trouble and away from addictive substances. Lindsay's best ratings were in the middle of last season when she was raped by the then current contestant, who is in prison serving a twelve year sentence. It is rumored that the show will not come back next season, although qualifying rounds of selecting new 'Angels' for the former teen star for next year have already started. "Save Britney's" ratings have skyrocketed since last week when she was caught snorting cocaine out of the belly button of her current 'Guardian', as the contestants are referred to in the NBC version. The guardian also seemed to be under influence of illegal substances. The results of the drug tests will be announced tomorrow. Besides already having been pulled from the show, Britney's 'Guardian' may face criminal charges as well. The stars of the shows themselves are excused from prosecution by large donations made by the respective media companies to drug rehabilitation programs, but the contestants are not. Britney checked into the NBC sponsored rehab center late last night were she will meet the next 'Guardian', a priest from Alabama who is convinced the Lord will help him save this innocent, sweet girl from the temptations of the devil.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Denmark starts importing sewer waste from developing countries for their 'brown' energy supply - Copenhagen, March 30 2012

Denmark's energy department declared today they will start importing sewer waste from Third World countries to meet the demand for their hydrogen production facilities. Denmark, one of the front-runners in the production of hydrogen by means of facilitated bio-electrolysis, says they are only reaching 60 percent of their capacity with the insufficient amounts of sewer waste from their own population. Dan Mikkelsen, the project manager for this program, declared that the Danish people simple don't go the bathroom enough to fulfill the bio-hydrogen plants' needs. He jokingly stated that this was a better solution than trying to encourage people to start eating more. 'Brown energy is the future and if we can help some of our poorer nations in the process, it is all for the better', was his more serious response. The government funded TV commercial showing a man sitting on his toilet who is being shouted at by his family when he attempts to get off resulting in all the electrical devices in the house shutting down is exemplary of the humoristic approach the Danish government has taken to promote this program to the public. The YouTube video of this ad was last week's top download.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

President Clinton declares she only became president to get back at her husband – Washington DC, April 20 2010

President Hillary Clinton pleaded guilty today in her long awaited grand jury appearance to allegations that she has seduced a young white house attaché and had sex with him to get back at her husband. More shockingly she even revealed she only became president to get even with her husband. She said she was ready to step down after this grand jury hearing. The jury was in awe and asked if the president thought the highest job in the country was something to settle personal feuds with. The president refused to answer the question stating it had nothing to do with the investigation about, which was allowed. People around the country and worldwide are shocked by the candid confessions. President Clinton also declared getting truly even at her husband would really only work while holding the nation's top job. The country is in disarray and even the GOP hasn't reacted officially and is apparently confused how to respond to this opportunity. Reporters around the country are trying to find the whereabouts of ex-president Bill Clinton, which is unknown at this moment.

Friday, October 26, 2007

30 Percent of Work Force of Child Porn Internet Filter Company KidFriend Are Registered Sex Offenders – San Jose, CA, May 7 2011

KidFriend, well known for their award winning child porn filter software seems to be in a nasty pickle. An investigation by a child abuse victim turned up a bizarre fact. A little less than one in three of its employees is listed as a registered sex offender under Megan's Law. A spokesperson for the company declared the company is not required anymore to ask about the criminal past of new hires and no wrong has been done. He stressed that all their employees are good and law abiding citizens. He admitted the news was embarrassing and possibly even damaging from a PR standpoint, but that it does not affect the integrity of the products they carry. Management will assess the situation and make changes where deemed necessary but for now they claim there is no reason to fire anyone. Connecting the sex offenders on the company's web site with the positions they hold show almost all of them work in the web screening and editorial filtering department.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Last Water of Colorado River Gets Bottled – Colorado Springs, CO - June 21 2023

The last 100.000 gallons of potable water that will flow out of the Colorado River will be bottled by the Colorado State Water Company and sold to the highest bidders. The money raised will be used to fund desalination plants on the West and Gulf Coast to diminish the water debit that the state of Colorado has been building up. A spokeswoman for the California State Department has declared that California will not be hosting any plants to accommodate the state of Colorado if asked to. California was denied water rights to the Colorado River in 2011 after having lost a long lasting series of legal battles to retain the rights. According to experts the Colorado would have dried up in 2013 if it would have still had to supply the high consuming population of South California. California has been balancing on the edge of bankruptcy ever since their access to the Colorado River was denied with Southern California relying on expensive water imports and desalination plants. King Achmed of Saudi Arabia has shown an interest in the bottled rarity: "I would love to bathe in the Colorado River every morning or serve it to international guests".

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