US presidency will get auctioned off – Washington, DC May 24 2022

Photo courtesy of: Zieak

After having passed the constitutional amendment to sell the position of president, house and senate are passing bills to clear the way for having the highest bidder become the 50th president of the United States of America. After 14 years of trying to fix a struggling economy the US is paving the way to let money rule in the White House. Although bills are being crafted on how the auction will be conducted, some information has already leaked from the Treasury Department. There will be a minimum bid, which will be set to 1/3 of the national deficit and an agreement to reduce the remaining deficit by 50% at the end of the term, either by cutting costs (without lowering the standard of living and other to be determined social parameters) or paying it from their own personal wealth. A clause will be included that if the deficit is erased entirely after four years, automatic re-election will be granted. Although many Americans feel saddened to lose their democracy, this will assure them the country will be put back on a fiscally responsible path and give it a chance to recover and regain its position as a leading economic power. There are only eleven people known in the US with a net-worth to be able to take part in the auction. According to the memo at least three non-disclosed trillionaires have shown an initial interest. All eyes will be on Forbes Magazine next week when it publishes its new list of richest people. If the position is not filled by auction the president will be elected by the people as he has been since George Washington became the first in 1789.

Series of WalMart Bombings Claimed by Barbie Liberation Organization Splinter Group - Houston, TX, April 27 2013

Another explosion ripped through a WalMart store in Houston last night, killing 27 and wounding at least 250. The FBI declared the bombings have been claimed by The Barbie Liberation Organization Now Destructive (BLOND) in an untraceable e-mail with demands to free the imprisoned former leader of The Barbie Liberation Organization (BLO), Barbie Sandrine and make Mattel restart their production of Barbie dolls. BLOND seems to be a splinter group that has separated itself from BLO and has turned to violence to try achieve its goals. BLO leader Barbie Sandrine was imprisoned early this year after throwing shoes at the Iraqi President Muntader al-Zaidi when he visited the US to draw attention to her cause, embarrassing the nation internationally. BLO has been active with non-violent demonstrations and actions since Mattel stopped its production after WalMart declared in 2011 it would no longer carry the famed dolls after studies had showed a direct link between kids who were exposed to the dolls and eating disorders.

McDonald's "Incredible" Popularity Reveals Rigged Portion Size Scanners - Des Plaines, Ill, November 12 2017

Des Plaines PD have arrested several high ranking managers, including the CEO and CFO and several board members at the corporate headquarters of McDonald's. In an era where most fast-food franchises are struggling and many of them have gone under resulting from the enforced installation of Portion-Size Scanners (PSS) in all fast-food operations by the Meal Size Reduction Act, people have always wondered what the special "ingredient" was that has been maintaining McDonald's growth while others had to downsize or even go belly-up (BK, In-N-Out). The special Nutrition Investigation Task Force (NITF) of the FBI declared to have been leading up to this bust for several months when one of their investigators followed up on a CDC study that showed that regular McDonald's visitors were significantly heavier than control groups (regular KFC, DQ and Jack in the Box visitors). His investigation started pointing to the PSS machines at McDonald's restaurants around the country to explain how people still got fatter after being fully "portionated". A spokesman of NITF stated that the PSS machines, that read how much you can individually be served (calculated by Body Mass Index, blood sugar and fat percentage tracked by a subcutaneous nano-analyzer), showed to have been systematically tempered with at McDonald's to serve more than 25% more than the FDA's allowed portions, thereby explaining the popularity and success of the fast-food chain. Ronald McDonald will have a lot of explaining to do as to why portions will be downsized for their customers.

US Sits On Top Of Largest Oil Reserve – London, England, May 12 2083

The discovery of a deep-oil reserve in Wyoming last week has been estimated to be the largest oil reserve on the planet. According to oil specialists from OPEC, the reserve is twice the size of the currently known oil reserves worldwide. The White House said it was excited and said it would put the US back on the map as a world power after dropping to the 17th place on the world gross domestic list just behind the Netherlands at the end of 2082. Iranian, Russian and Chinese oil companies are lining up to acquire the lucrative contract to exploit the new black gold reserves. The US will without doubt need outside help from leading oil producing countries to finance and organize this massive oil drilling effort.

Scientist Disappears While Working on Large Hadron Collider at CERN – Geneva, 19 August 2011

One of the team members of the research group that is working with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) was reported missing in action this morning in a press bulletin issued this morning by the CERN press office in Geneva. Security officials stated that it is impossible that he would have been able to leave the facility without leaving any records: "He should still be in the building, but he isn’t." The researcher was working on the creation of Micro Black Holes and the Higgs Boson (AKA as the "God Particle").

First "Living" Head To Turn One Hundred - Nagasaki, March 7 2233

Samo Nagai's head, or 'Jarhead' as the brain of Samo Nagai has become known as in the media, will celebrate its 100th this coming March 10. The Tokio Eternal Life Company prefers their clients to be called just by their name, claiming that they never died and therefore seeing no reason to refer to them by just one part of their body. The company will celebrate 'Samo Nagai's' 186th birthday (Samo Nagai "died" at age 86) with a large celebration event in Tokio's City Center. The Eternal Life Company boasts to have 1123812 people (or heads, if you like) on extended life support until medical science discovers ways to provide these people with a full functioning body. While the company has been mostly a success story there have been downfalls and controversies as well, amongst them the suicide bomb attempt by the Christian group 'Sacred Life' on one of Eternal Life's laboratories and the unexplained seemingly spontaneous life termination of some of Eternal Life's clients. Critics have demonstrated that statistically more spontaneous 'terminations' have been taking place after the company was forced by a court order to stop ending 'services' for clients that had used up all their credit. Eternal Life's reply has always been that because they have to keep supplying services for non-paying clients it has been harder for them to give an A+ service to all their clients resulting in an increase of service terminations. Critics claim 83 percent of terminations concerned clients that have run out of credit. Brain life support is still gaining popularity over Cryonics as a way to extend people's lives to eventually seek eternal life.

Virtual Serial Rapist Gets Sentenced to Death IRL – Portland, Or, June 17 2042

Virtual serial rapist Nathan Guberman, also known as FluffyBunny on GetALife, the popular virtual world, has been sentenced to death IRL (in real life) by a Portland judge. It is the first time somebody has been sentenced to death for a cybercrime. Victims have declared they are happy with this outcome. Judge Melvin Brookland stated that most of the (7023) victims were spending on average more than 85% in this virtual world and therefore their virtual life was seen as their "dominant" life. Nathan Guberman was spending more than 95% percent of this time on GetALife and his actions on GetALife were concluded to be "real" by psychologists and health specialists and therefore legally valid IRL. It took a federal cyber taskforce more than 14 months to track down and arrest Nathan Guberman. His avatar, FluffyBunny had been sentenced to death and lynched virtually two months after his arrest by GetALife virtual judge Castor Dredd. Guberman declared after the sentence IRL that he was dead already anyway after the lynching of his avatar, killing off his body was just a formality.