Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bad Choice of Song Main Reason for Hillary's Demise - Washington DC, May 12 2008

Hillary Clinton's downfall and loss of the Democratic nomination is uniquely blamed by experts on her bad choice of campaign song. The 1984 song When the Lady Smiles by the Dutch rock band Golden Earring sounds catchy and added a nice touch to Clinton's growing popularity and ever growing lead in the election primaries. But after the revelation came that the video clip that came with the song was banned in the US after its release, because it featured the attempted rape of a nun, her campaign started spiraling down. Never was a primary campaign lost as a results of such a "trivial" blunder. Campaign managers have taken the blame for not thoroughly checking all their materials.
WATCH THE VIDEO: When the Lady Smiles

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Highway Patrol Is Considering Lifting Maximum Speed For 'Gold lane' - 13 October 2014, Miami, Fl

Florida Highway Patrol has unveiled new policy where users of the 'Gold Lane', as the high priced exclusive freeway lanes have become known as, pay a flat fee per ride to allow them to ignore the maximum speed. Highway Patrol policy maker, Jen Giordano, shared details in a Q and A with the press. She stated the PFLU (Premium Fast Lane Users), the official term for these wealthy drivers, will be able to pay a flat fee when entering the Miami State Highway System and as a result have no more speed restrictions in the Gold Lane, which is presently set at 80 mph, for the duration of their ride. Giordano said these VIP commuters will speed anyway and rather pay fines than change their driving habits. He also stated that the big benefit of this change will be that fact that it would save law enforcement officers a lot of time from writing up speeding tickets and administrative work resulting from continuous speeding on the Gold Lane. Gold Lane Drivers who don't want to pay the flat fee will remain restricted to the maximum speed. They will be alerted in their cars and will be required to make way for flat fee Gold Lane users upon penalty of a considerable fine that is yet to be determined. The Motorway Lane Equality Association (MLEA) says it is saddened by this decision and predicts it will further increase the inequality on American roads and probably result in more road rage.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Camino de Los Indios Gets Demolished to Make Way for Billion Dollar Estates - Santa Chavez, Venezuela, October 9 2043

36 years after the building of Camino de los Indios, or Santa Chavez (as it has later been renamed) started, the last of the low income apartments have been torn down to be replaced with luxurious villas to accommodate the rich and wealthy. The city that was the brainchild of former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, has been cleansed of all its former idealism and communist principles to make way for the needs of the rich and famous: Multibillion dollar villas, ranches and estates. To be amongst the lucky few to own a place in this very exclusive neighborhood you have to be in the top half percent income bracket of a wealthy nation. After the 2027 Chili, Argentina and China backed coup and the installation of a capitalist government, Venezuela has transformed rapidly into a wealthy consumer and capital driven economy. The percentage of people living in poverty has not changed significantly due to these changes and is expected to remain flat, even with the economy showing skyrocketing growth. Most of the inhabitants of Santa Chavez have returned to the neighborhoods they originally came from; slums in Venezuela's capital Caracas and slums in other larger cities in Venezuela. Santa Chavez is likely to undergo a name change. In Venezuela most people refer to it now as San Dorado.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

'Organic' Label Disappears from Packaging - Sacramento, CA, April 5 2022

A federal bill was passed that no longer allows producers to put the label 'Organic' on packaging. 75 percent of all food products are now considered to be organically grown following strict USDA guidelines. Non-organic products will be required to carry the label 'Poisonous Substances Included' with a description of the methods involved that make it break the 'Organic' USDA standards. People are required to sign a liability waiver over their Wi-net connection on the magnetic product tag on the package, stating they have read the implications of using the product. Non-organic (or should we say 'Poisonous' products from now on?) are still bought in abundance by the lowest income bracket of the population.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Disney's Private Military Forces Clash with National Guard – Anaheim, California, March 2 2017

Two days after a National Guard sniper accidentally shot a lieutenant belonging to the private military company Disney Guard Force in what they describe as an unfortunate accident, Disney Force Guards beat up on a National Guard private going home after a night out, leaving him in critical conditions. Tensions had been building up between the two armed forces groups that have been defending the Disneyland complex after the 'Toontown Terror' incidents earlier this year. The series of seven terrorist attacks, claimed by combined Al-qaeda and Venezuelan terrorists, have targeted Disney rides and Disney Toon characters and have resulted in a 152 visitors, five actors playing Mickey, Goofy and Pluto dead and Thunder Mountain in ruins by a bomb blast. Governor Dicaprio stated he will speed up the legal battle over who is to be in charge of the security at the Disney complex after martial law was declared by special decree. He also passed an emergency measure that has assigned the National Guard to guard Disney's California Adventure Park and the Disney Force Guard to be in charge of Disneyland's security. The National Guard sniper who shot the Disney Guard Force officer is under investigation. His initial statement right after the incident was that his sensor indicated a non-authorized armed person on the roof of the Sleeping Beauty Castle and that his instructions were to shoot without hesitation. With the sun in his eyes the National Guard sniper could not recognize the Disney Guard Force uniform and security camera footage has confirmed that the unfortunate officer had removed his 'Mickey Ears' helmet to give him some relief from the relentless spring heat that has been scorching Southern California. Disney Guard Force personnel have been briefed to never remove their helmets under any circumstances.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Vacubot Goes Haywire Due to Easter Egg, Terrorizes Family – Kansas City, KA, April 13 2009

An automated vacuum cleaner that is widely known for its amazing ability to work around the house non-stop without bothering people went berserk last night in Kansas City leaving a family of four injured and their cat dead. Broken ankles, shattered toes, bruised shins, stitches, a concussion and the family's long-time feline companion buried in the yard were the result of a programmer's joke gone sour. The vacubot's software had been humorously shipped with an 'Easter Egg', a piece of software code that unlocked its speed limiting system and reversed the HIBS (Human Injury Blockage System) feature when being forced to go back and forth over 20 times on any Easter Day. The father of the family described how his son was playing with the automated contraption on Easter Day and kept jumping in front of it while the robot was trying to get to a piece of fuzz. 'All of a sudden the wheels started spinning like crazy and rammed with full speed into my son, who broke a couple of foot bones instantly. I tried to stop the robot, but I couldn't hold on long enough to turn the switch off. It slipped through my fingers and it rammed my foot and shin. I grabbed my son and jumped on the couch where we were safe. My wife and daughter walked in from the backyard and were both rammed. My daughter fell over and was smacked in the head by the wretched thing. My wife pulled her up quickly and they climbed up on the kitchen table. We decided to wait until the batteries would run out. After two hours our cat walked in and we tried to scare her out of the house, to no avail. She got hit by the robot at full speed and was knocked unconscious immediately. There was nothing we could do. It kept ramming into Tiger until it ran out of power.' Jackson Campbell, a spokesperson for UltraSuck, the manufacturer, responded with pointing out that it was a tragic incident and that the family will be compensated for their grief, discomfort and medical expenses. He said they traced the malicious piece of software back to one programmer who they suspect put in the code. Answering the question why the Vacubot could develop the high speed that was the cause of the seriousness of the damage, while in normal mode only going at 2 mph, the spokesperson answered that the motors in these bots are also used in other products, like scoot mobiles where more power is required. He added that the speed limiting system can never be disabled if not for some intended glitch in the software, which is what happened in this case. The name of the engineer has been forwarded to the police and an arrest is expected. UltraSuck will release a downloadable patch on their web site to eliminate the Easter Egg's faulty code from the machine. The family's wife responded to our reporter by stating this was a very sick joke and that the word Easter Egg will never mean what it used to.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Michael Jackson's tomb will be opened by team of Egyptologists tomorrow - Bahrain City, Bahrain, February 10 2193

Michael Jackson's burial site will be opened by a team of established Egyptologists per request of the Jackson family. The maximum time restriction that can be put in a will for opening a person's grave in Bahrain, 150 years, expires today for Jackson's tomb. The family hopes to find valuables that will turn them into billionaires. Michael Jackson was buried in the Jackson Pyramid outside of Bahrain City that the rock star had planned to be bigger than the great pyramid of Giza. In the ten year period of construction before Jackson's death it only reached half of the size of the Great Pyramid due to problems with financing. Michael Jackson was mummified and buried in the pyramid's tomb in 2043 at age 85. Fans of the still immensely popular musician are hoping that Egyptologists will discover what the cause was of his changing and deteriorating nose, which has surpassed Cleopatra's (the ancient Ptolemean queen) as the most talked about nose in history. According to Baey Thimo, the famous muso-historian, Jackson suffered from a rare nose disease that has been widely accepted as the reason for his reclusive behavior after his last and most successful musical period in the early 2010's. After 2015 there have been no published pictures of him.

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