Friday, May 23, 2008
Government officials in the White House today admitted their involvement in the “POOB” scam. The POOB (Portion-Obesity) scandal, named after the uncovering Surgeon General’s ” POOB memo” that was published in the New York Times three months ago, is now forcing more and more politicians and officials to resign and insiders think it may go all the way to the President. The POOB memo uncovered a Huxleyan plot to tamper with the official American version of the kilo when the US was forced to switch over to the metric system in early 2011. In a daring but improbable attempt to fight the obesity epidemic that is damaging the US economy and health care system the Surgeon General devised a scheme to decrease portion sizes by lowering the weight of the official kilo template used by food manufacturers by 10% hoping that during the metric switch-over the weight decrease of the kilo would go unnoticed if all parties involved started using the same “kilo’s”. Prison sentences are expected for the Surgeon General and other highly involved officials. Portion sizes have been identified as the main causes of obesity by many studies. People suffering from obesity and the Body Mass Index (BMI) of the average American have seen a decline of about 8% in the last year, the first time since the onset of obesity epidemic in the mid 1990’s.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Google Inc, the uncontested leader in Internet services announced it has shipped its 5 millionth “free” computer, only 14 months after starting up the “Free Computer Program”. The Google Product Manager, Pierre Lindsely, stated he is overwhelmed by the success of his project and they are trying very hard to keep up with demand. People now have to wait more than three weeks to get their “G-Tops", as they have become known as, instead of the three days when the program started. Pierre Lindsely: “People will wait for anything if it’s free, so I am not worried that this will impact the enthusiasm for this product. We are attracting some new suppliers and we will see the waiting time decrease gradually.” The free Google computers come with a free broadband connection that connects only to Google WI-FI hubs (aka as G-Spots). This, in combination with the Google Operating System (GooGOS) allows Google to access every click performed on these machines and uniquely controls the advertisements that are displayed when using any application. Critics are baffled by the public’s casualness to open up their computers and sign away all their personal information to Google. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer who ridiculed the program when it was announced, has since refused to comment on the blatant success of the product. Microsoft announced last week it will be offering free computers to the public within the next two months.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Adversaries of In Vitro Meat (IVM), or “Tube Meat” as it is listed under in the supermarkets, have been finally proven right by a gruesome bad-horror-movie-turned-reality in a small town in Idaho. One of ArtiMeat’s large truck size lab grown steak slabs developed the ability to move by contracting in a structured sequence. The giant muscular mass broke out of its incubator and out of the meat producing compound and went on a 3-hour rampage through the mid-size town of Anaconda, before the army could move and torch the mammoth gourmet steak with flame throwers, leaving 13 people dead, 72 seriously hospitalized and many buildings in ruins with millions in damage, reminiscent of old 1950’s horror B-movies like The Blob. Tube Meat has been around from the early 2010’s when the FDA approved the consumption of out-of-body meats in 2013 after a race between companies had been initiated by the PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) in 2008 by awarding a million dollars for the first company to bring Tube Meat to the market. Allegations that the meat was a health danger according to action groups heavily sponsored by cattle lobbyists have never been supported by studies. But the action groups now have ample ammunition to pursue their goal of banning Tube Meat. ArtiMeat is investigating what could have been the cause of turning the passive muscle mass into a moving havoc wreaking monster. John Slayer, a researcher at ArtiMeat said that the technical operations team has recorded a malfunction in the electric wiring of the incubator and this has made him suspect this resulted in a short circuit followed by electrocution of the monster steak making it start to contract and lead to its ruinous killing spree. In a rather ironic turn of events the small homeless population of Anaconda benefited from the incident. It gathered around the scene and started feasting upon the grilled monstrosity before the army could clear the area. One man’s death is another man’s dinner.