Fear of Arctic War Grows, Danish and Russian Fleets Clash – Copenhagen, 23 June 2017

Copenhagen has admitted Danish warships were responsible for the sinking of the Russian frigate Czar Putin in the Arctic Sea. The commander of the Danish Destroyer Prince Frederik declared the vessel was in Danish territorial waters off the coast of Greenland and had ignored multiple warnings. The Danish press release also stated it regretted the sinking of the ship and the loss of the Russian crew and that first shots were meant as deterrence only. Once the Russians started returning fire there was no other option than to target the ship itself, concluded the press release. Russian warships of the Northern Fleet are steaming up towards the area from bases all over Russia while the US is doing the same to come the aid of their Danish ally. The Canadian and Norwegian governments have not yet responded but are expected to support the Russian fleet in their effort as agreed upon by the Russo-Canadian Pact of 2015. The Arctic waters have been a region of tension ever since the rapid melting of the Arctic ice cap became a concern and an opportunity and the Ilulissat Declaration and more seriously after the failed Arctic Sea Summit of 2013. The region has been estimated to contain 25% of the remaining world supply of oil and natural gas. The UN and NATO are calling for a ceasefire and warn involved parties not to escalate the situation and go through the proper UN procedures to resolve the issue.

Government Admits Obesity Prevention Scandal - Washington DC, September 12 2012

Government officials in the White House today admitted their involvement in the “POOB” scam. The POOB (Portion-Obesity) scandal, named after the uncovering Surgeon General’s ” POOB memo” that was published in the New York Times three months ago, is now forcing more and more politicians and officials to resign and insiders think it may go all the way to the President. The POOB memo uncovered a Huxleyan plot to tamper with the official American version of the kilo when the US was forced to switch over to the metric system in early 2011. In a daring but improbable attempt to fight the obesity epidemic that is damaging the US economy and health care system the Surgeon General devised a scheme to decrease portion sizes by lowering the weight of the official kilo template used by food manufacturers by 10% hoping that during the metric switch-over the weight decrease of the kilo would go unnoticed if all parties involved started using the same “kilo’s”. Prison sentences are expected for the Surgeon General and other highly involved officials. Portion sizes have been identified as the main causes of obesity by many studies. People suffering from obesity and the Body Mass Index (BMI) of the average American have seen a decline of about 8% in the last year, the first time since the onset of obesity epidemic in the mid 1990’s.

Google Inc. Free Computer Program hits 5 Million – Mountain View, CA, April 17 2011

Google Inc, the uncontested leader in Internet services announced it has shipped its 5 millionth “free” computer, only 14 months after starting up the “Free Computer Program”. The Google Product Manager, Pierre Lindsely, stated he is overwhelmed by the success of his project and they are trying very hard to keep up with demand. People now have to wait more than three weeks to get their “G-Tops", as they have become known as, instead of the three days when the program started. Pierre Lindsely: “People will wait for anything if it’s free, so I am not worried that this will impact the enthusiasm for this product. We are attracting some new suppliers and we will see the waiting time decrease gradually.” The free Google computers come with a free broadband connection that connects only to Google WI-FI hubs (aka as G-Spots). This, in combination with the Google Operating System (GooGOS) allows Google to access every click performed on these machines and uniquely controls the advertisements that are displayed when using any application. Critics are baffled by the public’s casualness to open up their computers and sign away all their personal information to Google. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer who ridiculed the program when it was announced, has since refused to comment on the blatant success of the product. Microsoft announced last week it will be offering free computers to the public within the next two months.

Giant Gourmet Steak Leaves 13 Dead, 72 Hospitalized – Anaconda, MT, July 20 2033

Adversaries of In Vitro Meat (IVM), or “Tube Meat” as it is listed under in the supermarkets, have been finally proven right by a gruesome bad-horror-movie-turned-reality in a small town in Idaho. One of ArtiMeat’s large truck size lab grown steak slabs developed the ability to move by contracting in a structured sequence. The giant muscular mass broke out of its incubator and out of the meat producing compound and went on a 3-hour rampage through the mid-size town of Anaconda, before the army could move and torch the mammoth gourmet steak with flame throwers, leaving 13 people dead, 72 seriously hospitalized and many buildings in ruins with millions in damage, reminiscent of old 1950’s horror B-movies like The Blob. Tube Meat has been around from the early 2010’s when the FDA approved the consumption of out-of-body meats in 2013 after a race between companies had been initiated by the PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) in 2008 by awarding a million dollars for the first company to bring Tube Meat to the market. Allegations that the meat was a health danger according to action groups heavily sponsored by cattle lobbyists have never been supported by studies. But the action groups now have ample ammunition to pursue their goal of banning Tube Meat. ArtiMeat is investigating what could have been the cause of turning the passive muscle mass into a moving havoc wreaking monster. John Slayer, a researcher at ArtiMeat said that the technical operations team has recorded a malfunction in the electric wiring of the incubator and this has made him suspect this resulted in a short circuit followed by electrocution of the monster steak making it start to contract and lead to its ruinous killing spree. In a rather ironic turn of events the small homeless population of Anaconda benefited from the incident. It gathered around the scene and started feasting upon the grilled monstrosity before the army could clear the area. One man’s death is another man’s dinner.

"Human Cat Diet" Turns Out Disastrous For Felines – Atlantic City, June 7 2013

The "Human Cat Diet” also known as the “Feline Regime” that became the newest diet rage in 2009 and dwindled into oblivion after disappointing long term results in 2012, seems to have also created a nasty problem for many of our feline friends. The Human Cat Diet was introduced by Simon Calstone, Nutrition Specialist at Petnut Foods in late 2008 and popularized by Dr. Phil in his TV show. The diet tried to follow a cat’s ideal nutritional regime applied to humans, with the underlying theory that we have been carnivores much longer than the carb-craving techno-agriculturists we have turned into when agriculture took off more than 12000 years ago. The diet involved eating animal based dry pellets during the day and one “wet” meal in the evening and lots of water all day, mimicking the food pattern that keeps cats lean. The pellets and wet meals were similar to what cats get to eat but geared towards the nutritional needs of humans. The diet showed good results for most people in the first 6 months with people losing on average more than 30 pounds. But it seemed like it was too much to keep up as a structural food pattern and the repetition of the boring, bland food would make people abandon the efforts and typically result in a net gain weight from the start of the diet. A secondary effect of this once trendy diet seems to be starting to hit our feline population hard worldwide. Former Human Cat Dieters and cat owners have started overfeeding their cats out of pity for the small amount of food they feel their cats should be given according to veterinarian’s directions. Apparently cat owner and ex-feline dieters, after having experienced themselves how much their pet friends are fed, have started compensating for their own bad experience while dieting. Studies have showed an increase of cat-obesity of 72% in former cat diet followers and only 2% (the average yearly increase over the last ten years) in non-cat diet followers. The American American Veterinary Medical Association will start alerting people with e-mails and through local SPCA’s to bring awareness to the health dangers and medical costs that could result from overfeeding cats.

Gas/Food Price Rage: Ethanol Gas Stations Become Target of Arson Nationwide – Detroit, MI, April 15 2009

As food prices continue to rise, the poorest in the nation have started venting their frustration from coast to coast. Last night the tally was 17, the number indicating the amount of gas stations carrying ethanol that were burned to the ground by the mob. It is still an upward trend, last month 23 gas stations were targeted, in comparison to 52 already this month with yesterday being a new all day record. Before 2006 the plans to start biofuel production to diminish the US dependency on foreign oil were hailed from all sides, from the rich to the poor, from republicans to democrats, from hippies to CEO’s. The paradigm started to shift quickly as food prices began to rise. The Food vs. Fuel debate was ignited late 2007/early 2008 when bioethanol fuel production started getting blamed for the rising world food prices. Worldwide there have been demonstrations and outbreaks of violence from food shortages. The US had not been affected in this way until three months ago when the first bioethanol gas station was burned to the ground after a demonstration against biofuel production turned sour. The McCain administration says their hands are tied, as Iraq and Venezuela are threatening with an oil embargo that could bring the nation to its knees. President McCain stated: “We need all the fuel we can get to keep our infrastructure and transport system from collapsing. We realize people are having problems feeding their families, but we are trying all we can to make sure people get through these difficult times. Or we can give in to foreign pressure, abandon our biofuel program and hand our nation over to the oil producing nations today. It is either giving up our independence or tightening the belt.” Left wing groups keep stressing the fact that the Americans stubbornly keep driving SUV’s and other gas guzzling cars while the US is not in a position to fuel these types of vehicles and quoted once again from the World Development Report 2008: “The grain required to fill the tank of a sports utility vehicle with ethanol (240 kg of maize for 100 liter ethanol) could feed one person for a year, so competition between food and fuel is real.” The federal government is hiring bodyguards from Blackwater to start a gas station protection program

US Pays Off China Debt By Destroying 75% Of Nuclear Arsenal – Beijing, China, October 17 2018

In a rare turn of events the Alaska – China Debt Deal was wiped off the table and a new treaty was drafted and signed in the early morning. After it was clear that the US resistance against selling Alaska to China was beyond negotiation the US delegation had to draft a new proposal. China had made it clear that this meeting needed to have some results to be able to eliminate part of the US debt, under threat of an embargo against the US, which would have left the once powerful nation spiraling down into an even bigger financial chaos leading to more food shortages and grinding the nation to a halt. Not only does the treaty require the US to destroy 75% of their nuclear arsenal, but it also prohibits the US to aim nuclear war heads at the Asian continent any longer. Chinese inspectors under supervision of the UN will have full access to the remaining American nuclear sites to verify this part of the treaty.