Future Feeds

Netherlands recalls diplomats after Germany proceeds with Paul the Octopus predicting the World Cup winner - Amsterdam, The Netherlands July 09 2010

2010-07-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

After the refusal by the German government to honor a request by the Dutch crown prince Willem Alexander to not jinx the world cup final between the Netherlands and Spain by having Paul the Octopus from the Oberhausen Zoo predict the winner,the Netherlands has recalled all its diplomats from Germany.

NHTSA Forces Car Makers to Install Engine Noise Simluation Devices on Electric Cars – Detroit, MI May 3 2015

2010-05-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has decided to instate new federal regulations on electric cars after a 17th lethal car vs. pedestrian collision was ruled to have been caused by the fact that engines of electric cars are silent. From August 30th 2015 electric cars will have to be equipped retroactively with a sound producing device to resemble the noise that conventional combustion engines make. Car makers have announced they will take legal steps to appeal the decision. NTHSA CEO Mark Barnes responded he was not surprised to receive heat from car makers, but made clear that public safety is top priority within the agency and stated: “Electric cars are killing Americans on our streets and we have the power to stop it. If that results in the biggest recall in the history of the automotive industry, so be it!”

Augmented-Reality Specs Become Mandatory in California Supermarkets – Nov 17 2017

2010-03-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

After the failed policy known as “What You (Can’t) See Is What You Eat” by major health insurers across the state of California intended to combat obesity, they have now lobbied through a bill that will make it mandatory for shoppers to wear calorie exposing Augmented Reality Goggles (ARG’s) when they shop in most supermarkets across the state. The “What You (Can’t) See Is What You Eat” program started in late 2016 before the holiday season and encompassed sending ARG’s out to every home in the state. The glasses reveal when looking at food items what amount of calories are in the food products and where they come from, how much energy was used manufacturing, packaging and transporting the item and how much environmental breakdown units (ebu’s) it will contribute. The program was a failure as Californians were not required to wear the ARG’s and just weren’t used. Starting from tomorrow consumers are required to wear them in all major supermarkets chains. Entry will denied by HIOC’s (health insurance compliance officers) outside supermarkets and HIOC’s inside will police customers to make sure the ARG’s are being worn. The supermarkets reluctantly agreed to the for them disadvantageous program as part of a settlement from a lawsuit from health insurers to seek refunds for costs made for treating obesity and diseases linked to obesity making the case that supermarkets have been selling food products (about 35% of all products) knowing they were linked to obesity revealed by internal studies. Three large supermarkets on the East coast have gone under by not settling similar lawsuits. Supermarkets are expecting many to start shopping for groceries online. Health insurers are working on a separate push to have all food items online labeled with pop-ups that are similar to what people see through ARG’s.

iJoke Faces Class Action Over iThrow iPhone App – Palo Alto, CA Sep 13 2010

2010-01-14T05:37:00.000-08:00

A Davis, CA based law firm has filed a class action lawsuit against iJoke, the successful inventor of entertaining iPhone apps such as iPrank, iHeist and iBall. iThrow, the app launched by iJoke in May of this year will let people battle over who can throw their iPhone the farthest. The free app calculates the distance from the launching position after flight and impact using the built-in improved GPS and accelerometers. iJoke CEO Margin Scott said he was baffled by the claim and stated he had no idea people were foolish enough to try it. According to Margin Scott the app was put together in one night by an engineer after a company wine tasting event. The marketing team thought it would be a great joke and publicity stunt to release this app to draw attention to the company, but was never intended for people to actually use. He mentioned there is a clear “use at your own risk” disclaimer when installing the app. The law firm claims to have more than 700 ex-iPhone owners having had their iPhone destroyed from the use of iThrow and think they have a strong case. Apple distances itself from the app, but said it won’t ban the app from the iTunes Store. According to the latest iTunes metrics, the app has been downloaded 735023 times.

US presidency will get auctioned off – Washington, DC May 24 2022

2009-03-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of: Zieak

After having passed the constitutional amendment to sell the position of president, house and senate are passing bills to clear the way for having the highest bidder become the 50th president of the United States of America. After 14 years of trying to fix a struggling economy the US is paving the way to let money rule in the White House. Although bills are being crafted on how the auction will be conducted, some information has already leaked from the Treasury Department. There will be a minimum bid, which will be set to 1/3 of the national deficit and an agreement to reduce the remaining deficit by 50% at the end of the term, either by cutting costs (without lowering the standard of living and other to be determined social parameters) or paying it from their own personal wealth. A clause will be included that if the deficit is erased entirely after four years, automatic re-election will be granted. Although many Americans feel saddened to lose their democracy, this will assure them the country will be put back on a fiscally responsible path and give it a chance to recover and regain its position as a leading economic power. There are only eleven people known in the US with a net-worth to be able to take part in the auction. According to the memo at least three non-disclosed trillionaires have shown an initial interest. All eyes will be on Forbes Magazine next week when it publishes its new list of richest people. If the position is not filled by auction the president will be elected by the people as he has been since George Washington became the first in 1789.

Series of WalMart Bombings Claimed by Barbie Liberation Organization Splinter Group - Houston, TX, April 27 2013

2008-12-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

Another explosion ripped through a WalMart store in Houston last night, killing 27 and wounding at least 250. The FBI declared the bombings have been claimed by The Barbie Liberation Organization Now Destructive (BLOND) in an untraceable e-mail with demands to free the imprisoned former leader of The Barbie Liberation Organization (BLO), Barbie Sandrine and make Mattel restart their production of Barbie dolls. BLOND seems to be a splinter group that has separated itself from BLO and has turned to violence to try achieve its goals. BLO leader Barbie Sandrine was imprisoned early this year after throwing shoes at the Iraqi President Muntader al-Zaidi when he visited the US to draw attention to her cause, embarrassing the nation internationally. BLO has been active with non-violent demonstrations and actions since Mattel stopped its production after WalMart declared in 2011 it would no longer carry the famed dolls after studies had showed a direct link between kids who were exposed to the dolls and eating disorders.

McDonald's "Incredible" Popularity Reveals Rigged Portion Size Scanners - Des Plaines, Ill, November 12 2017

2008-10-02T21:13:00.000-07:00

Des Plaines PD have arrested several high ranking managers, including the CEO and CFO and several board members at the corporate headquarters of McDonald's. In an era where most fast-food franchises are struggling and many of them have gone under resulting from the enforced installation of Portion-Size Scanners (PSS) in all fast-food operations by the Meal Size Reduction Act, people have always wondered what the special "ingredient" was that has been maintaining McDonald's growth while others had to downsize or even go belly-up (BK, In-N-Out). The special Nutrition Investigation Task Force (NITF) of the FBI declared to have been leading up to this bust for several months when one of their investigators followed up on a CDC study that showed that regular McDonald's visitors were significantly heavier than control groups (regular KFC, DQ and Jack in the Box visitors). His investigation started pointing to the PSS machines at McDonald's restaurants around the country to explain how people still got fatter after being fully "portionated". A spokesman of NITF stated that the PSS machines, that read how much you can individually be served (calculated by Body Mass Index, blood sugar and fat percentage tracked by a subcutaneous nano-analyzer), showed to have been systematically tempered with at McDonald's to serve more than 25% more than the FDA's allowed portions, thereby explaining the popularity and success of the fast-food chain. Ronald McDonald will have a lot of explaining to do as to why portions will be downsized for their customers.

US Sits On Top Of Largest Oil Reserve – London, England, May 12 2083

2008-09-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

The discovery of a deep-oil reserve in Wyoming last week has been estimated to be the largest oil reserve on the planet. According to oil specialists from OPEC, the reserve is twice the size of the currently known oil reserves worldwide. The White House said it was excited and said it would put the US back on the map as a world power after dropping to the 17th place on the world gross domestic list just behind the Netherlands at the end of 2082. Iranian, Russian and Chinese oil companies are lining up to acquire the lucrative contract to exploit the new black gold reserves. The US will without doubt need outside help from leading oil producing countries to finance and organize this massive oil drilling effort.

Scientist Disappears While Working on Large Hadron Collider at CERN – Geneva, 19 August 2011

2008-09-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

One of the team members of the research group that is working with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) was reported missing in action this morning in a press bulletin issued this morning by the CERN press office in Geneva. Security officials stated that it is impossible that he would have been able to leave the facility without leaving any records: "He should still be in the building, but he isn’t." The researcher was working on the creation of Micro Black Holes and the Higgs Boson (AKA as the "God Particle").

First "Living" Head To Turn One Hundred - Nagasaki, March 7 2233

2008-08-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

Samo Nagai's head, or 'Jarhead' as the brain of Samo Nagai has become known as in the media, will celebrate its 100th this coming March 10. The Tokio Eternal Life Company prefers their clients to be called just by their name, claiming that they never died and therefore seeing no reason to refer to them by just one part of their body. The company will celebrate 'Samo Nagai's' 186th birthday (Samo Nagai "died" at age 86) with a large celebration event in Tokio's City Center. The Eternal Life Company boasts to have 1123812 people (or heads, if you like) on extended life support until medical science discovers ways to provide these people with a full functioning body. While the company has been mostly a success story there have been downfalls and controversies as well, amongst them the suicide bomb attempt by the Christian group 'Sacred Life' on one of Eternal Life's laboratories and the unexplained seemingly spontaneous life termination of some of Eternal Life's clients. Critics have demonstrated that statistically more spontaneous 'terminations' have been taking place after the company was forced by a court order to stop ending 'services' for clients that had used up all their credit. Eternal Life's reply has always been that because they have to keep supplying services for non-paying clients it has been harder for them to give an A+ service to all their clients resulting in an increase of service terminations. Critics claim 83 percent of terminations concerned clients that have run out of credit. Brain life support is still gaining popularity over Cryonics as a way to extend people's lives to eventually seek eternal life.

Virtual Serial Rapist Gets Sentenced to Death IRL – Portland, Or, June 17 2042

2008-07-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

Virtual serial rapist Nathan Guberman, also known as FluffyBunny on GetALife, the popular virtual world, has been sentenced to death IRL (in real life) by a Portland judge. It is the first time somebody has been sentenced to death for a cybercrime. Victims have declared they are happy with this outcome. Judge Melvin Brookland stated that most of the (7023) victims were spending on average more than 85% in this virtual world and therefore their virtual life was seen as their "dominant" life. Nathan Guberman was spending more than 95% percent of this time on GetALife and his actions on GetALife were concluded to be "real" by psychologists and health specialists and therefore legally valid IRL. It took a federal cyber taskforce more than 14 months to track down and arrest Nathan Guberman. His avatar, FluffyBunny had been sentenced to death and lynched virtually two months after his arrest by GetALife virtual judge Castor Dredd. Guberman declared after the sentence IRL that he was dead already anyway after the lynching of his avatar, killing off his body was just a formality.

Geoengineering Gone Wrong: UN Finally Admits Responsibility – New York, NY, June 25 2028

2008-07-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

After months of criticism from environmental groups and nations the Volcanic Winter Experiment has now been officially declared a failure and disaster by the UN environmental commission. 5 years after the UN orchestrated nuclear explosion set off a volcanic eruption of El Chichón in Mexico to spread sulfate aerosols into the stratosphere to cool down the Earth, world-wide famine, a higher rate of global warming than ever before and record size holes in the ozone layer, the UN has finally admitted responsibility for the blunder and for the first time in the planet’s history declared the Earth as a whole a disaster area. More and more countries are breaking with the United Nations trying to cope individually with the economical and environmental effects of the aftermath of this experiment gone bad, including most members of UniAm, China, Russia and several EU countries. Mexico is by far suffering the most from the experiment, having volunteered to host the experiment in the state of Chiapas. The country is not receiving any of the promised compensation for letting the experiment take place on their soil, with the UN bankrupt, world food supplies drained and food shortages increasing rapidly on an apocalyptic scale. Mexico is in total ruins with agricultural lands turning into deserts after not having produced any crops during the volcanic winter years. Mexico City is turning into the first global ghost metropolis after the US Border Fence was overrun by an exodus of millions fleeing the aftermath of the manmade catastrophe in search for food. The UN says it has postponed any planned geoengineering programs until further notice and is working on a global rescue plan to fix the world’s environmental and economic problems that have resulted from this cataclysm. Some scientists criticize the UN’s approach claiming that geoengineering is the only solution to stop this catastrophic downward spiral the Earth is in. Russia is considering unilaterally launching a series of orchestrated nuclear explosions in low population areas to create a long lasting nuclear winter to cool down the planet.

Reversing Tumoring Body Art Causes Cancer – Miami, FL, November 12 2014

2008-06-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

Eight months after the Body Art Magazine published concerns over high rates of skin cancer in people trying to reverse the effects of the body modification method known as Tumoring, mulitple studies have conclusively shown that the chemical reversal of this form of body art causes cancer (between 10 and 20 times as much as in the control group). Tumoring has become the latest fad in body modification after Scarification, Tongue Splitting and Skull Implants reached their peak as trends in late 2010. Tumoring, the intended growth of specific parts of the skin with the use of carcinogenic substances that cause benign and controllable growths in the epidermis and gives people the ability to mold parts of their body as desired, was first seen in Miami in early 2010. The method was developed by the famous Miami Ink shop and a cancer clinic and has spread rapidly all around the world. Millions of people around the world walk around with this form of body art and have not seen any medical disadvantages so far. One of the reasons this form of body modification has become so popular, is that is easily reversible by chemical treatment, creating a low threshold unlike tattooing and scarring, where removal is impossible or leaves behind undesired scars. Some people change their body-look every week by Tumoring, sometimes even just for a night to dress up for costumed parties. These latest studies have forced the FDA to ban the reverse tumoring method leaving people stranded in the body they shaped by tumoring until they find another, safe way to reverse it.

Pictures of Tumoring body-looks:

Fear of Arctic War Grows, Danish and Russian Fleets Clash – Copenhagen, 23 June 2017

2008-06-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

Copenhagen has admitted Danish warships were responsible for the sinking of the Russian frigate Czar Putin in the Arctic Sea. The commander of the Danish Destroyer Prince Frederik declared the vessel was in Danish territorial waters off the coast of Greenland and had ignored multiple warnings. The Danish press release also stated it regretted the sinking of the ship and the loss of the Russian crew and that first shots were meant as deterrence only. Once the Russians started returning fire there was no other option than to target the ship itself, concluded the press release. Russian warships of the Northern Fleet are steaming up towards the area from bases all over Russia while the US is doing the same to come the aid of their Danish ally. The Canadian and Norwegian governments have not yet responded but are expected to support the Russian fleet in their effort as agreed upon by the Russo-Canadian Pact of 2015. The Arctic waters have been a region of tension ever since the rapid melting of the Arctic ice cap became a concern and an opportunity and the Ilulissat Declaration and more seriously after the failed Arctic Sea Summit of 2013. The region has been estimated to contain 25% of the remaining world supply of oil and natural gas. The UN and NATO are calling for a ceasefire and warn involved parties not to escalate the situation and go through the proper UN procedures to resolve the issue.

Government Admits Obesity Prevention Scandal - Washington DC, September 12 2012

2008-05-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Government officials in the White House today admitted their involvement in the “POOB” scam. The POOB (Portion-Obesity) scandal, named after the uncovering Surgeon General’s ” POOB memo” that was published in the New York Times three months ago, is now forcing more and more politicians and officials to resign and insiders think it may go all the way to the President. The POOB memo uncovered a Huxleyan plot to tamper with the official American version of the kilo when the US was forced to switch over to the metric system in early 2011. In a daring but improbable attempt to fight the obesity epidemic that is damaging the US economy and health care system the Surgeon General devised a scheme to decrease portion sizes by lowering the weight of the official kilo template used by food manufacturers by 10% hoping that during the metric switch-over the weight decrease of the kilo would go unnoticed if all parties involved started using the same “kilo’s”. Prison sentences are expected for the Surgeon General and other highly involved officials. Portion sizes have been identified as the main causes of obesity by many studies. People suffering from obesity and the Body Mass Index (BMI) of the average American have seen a decline of about 8% in the last year, the first time since the onset of obesity epidemic in the mid 1990’s.

Google Inc. Free Computer Program hits 5 Million – Mountain View, CA, April 17 2011

2008-05-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

Google Inc, the uncontested leader in Internet services announced it has shipped its 5 millionth “free” computer, only 14 months after starting up the “Free Computer Program”. The Google Product Manager, Pierre Lindsely, stated he is overwhelmed by the success of his project and they are trying very hard to keep up with demand. People now have to wait more than three weeks to get their “G-Tops", as they have become known as, instead of the three days when the program started. Pierre Lindsely: “People will wait for anything if it’s free, so I am not worried that this will impact the enthusiasm for this product. We are attracting some new suppliers and we will see the waiting time decrease gradually.” The free Google computers come with a free broadband connection that connects only to Google WI-FI hubs (aka as G-Spots). This, in combination with the Google Operating System (GooGOS) allows Google to access every click performed on these machines and uniquely controls the advertisements that are displayed when using any application. Critics are baffled by the public’s casualness to open up their computers and sign away all their personal information to Google. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer who ridiculed the program when it was announced, has since refused to comment on the blatant success of the product. Microsoft announced last week it will be offering free computers to the public within the next two months.

Giant Gourmet Steak Leaves 13 Dead, 72 Hospitalized – Anaconda, MT, July 20 2033

2008-05-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

Adversaries of In Vitro Meat (IVM), or “Tube Meat” as it is listed under in the supermarkets, have been finally proven right by a gruesome bad-horror-movie-turned-reality in a small town in Idaho. One of ArtiMeat’s large truck size lab grown steak slabs developed the ability to move by contracting in a structured sequence. The giant muscular mass broke out of its incubator and out of the meat producing compound and went on a 3-hour rampage through the mid-size town of Anaconda, before the army could move and torch the mammoth gourmet steak with flame throwers, leaving 13 people dead, 72 seriously hospitalized and many buildings in ruins with millions in damage, reminiscent of old 1950’s horror B-movies like The Blob. Tube Meat has been around from the early 2010’s when the FDA approved the consumption of out-of-body meats in 2013 after a race between companies had been initiated by the PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) in 2008 by awarding a million dollars for the first company to bring Tube Meat to the market. Allegations that the meat was a health danger according to action groups heavily sponsored by cattle lobbyists have never been supported by studies. But the action groups now have ample ammunition to pursue their goal of banning Tube Meat. ArtiMeat is investigating what could have been the cause of turning the passive muscle mass into a moving havoc wreaking monster. John Slayer, a researcher at ArtiMeat said that the technical operations team has recorded a malfunction in the electric wiring of the incubator and this has made him suspect this resulted in a short circuit followed by electrocution of the monster steak making it start to contract and lead to its ruinous killing spree. In a rather ironic turn of events the small homeless population of Anaconda benefited from the incident. It gathered around the scene and started feasting upon the grilled monstrosity before the army could clear the area. One man’s death is another man’s dinner.

"Human Cat Diet" Turns Out Disastrous For Felines – Atlantic City, June 7 2013

2008-04-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

The "Human Cat Diet” also known as the “Feline Regime” that became the newest diet rage in 2009 and dwindled into oblivion after disappointing long term results in 2012, seems to have also created a nasty problem for many of our feline friends. The Human Cat Diet was introduced by Simon Calstone, Nutrition Specialist at Petnut Foods in late 2008 and popularized by Dr. Phil in his TV show. The diet tried to follow a cat’s ideal nutritional regime applied to humans, with the underlying theory that we have been carnivores much longer than the carb-craving techno-agriculturists we have turned into when agriculture took off more than 12000 years ago. The diet involved eating animal based dry pellets during the day and one “wet” meal in the evening and lots of water all day, mimicking the food pattern that keeps cats lean. The pellets and wet meals were similar to what cats get to eat but geared towards the nutritional needs of humans. The diet showed good results for most people in the first 6 months with people losing on average more than 30 pounds. But it seemed like it was too much to keep up as a structural food pattern and the repetition of the boring, bland food would make people abandon the efforts and typically result in a net gain weight from the start of the diet. A secondary effect of this once trendy diet seems to be starting to hit our feline population hard worldwide. Former Human Cat Dieters and cat owners have started overfeeding their cats out of pity for the small amount of food they feel their cats should be given according to veterinarian’s directions. Apparently cat owner and ex-feline dieters, after having experienced themselves how much their pet friends are fed, have started compensating for their own bad experience while dieting. Studies have showed an increase of cat-obesity of 72% in former cat diet followers and only 2% (the average yearly increase over the last ten years) in non-cat diet followers. The American American Veterinary Medical Association will start alerting people with e-mails and through local SPCA’s to bring awareness to the health dangers and medical costs that could result from overfeeding cats.

Gas/Food Price Rage: Ethanol Gas Stations Become Target of Arson Nationwide – Detroit, MI, April 15 2009

2008-04-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

As food prices continue to rise, the poorest in the nation have started venting their frustration from coast to coast. Last night the tally was 17, the number indicating the amount of gas stations carrying ethanol that were burned to the ground by the mob. It is still an upward trend, last month 23 gas stations were targeted, in comparison to 52 already this month with yesterday being a new all day record. Before 2006 the plans to start biofuel production to diminish the US dependency on foreign oil were hailed from all sides, from the rich to the poor, from republicans to democrats, from hippies to CEO’s. The paradigm started to shift quickly as food prices began to rise. The Food vs. Fuel debate was ignited late 2007/early 2008 when bioethanol fuel production started getting blamed for the rising world food prices. Worldwide there have been demonstrations and outbreaks of violence from food shortages. The US had not been affected in this way until three months ago when the first bioethanol gas station was burned to the ground after a demonstration against biofuel production turned sour. The McCain administration says their hands are tied, as Iraq and Venezuela are threatening with an oil embargo that could bring the nation to its knees. President McCain stated: “We need all the fuel we can get to keep our infrastructure and transport system from collapsing. We realize people are having problems feeding their families, but we are trying all we can to make sure people get through these difficult times. Or we can give in to foreign pressure, abandon our biofuel program and hand our nation over to the oil producing nations today. It is either giving up our independence or tightening the belt.” Left wing groups keep stressing the fact that the Americans stubbornly keep driving SUV’s and other gas guzzling cars while the US is not in a position to fuel these types of vehicles and quoted once again from the World Development Report 2008: “The grain required to fill the tank of a sports utility vehicle with ethanol (240 kg of maize for 100 liter ethanol) could feed one person for a year, so competition between food and fuel is real.” The federal government is hiring bodyguards from Blackwater to start a gas station protection program

US Pays Off China Debt By Destroying 75% Of Nuclear Arsenal – Beijing, China, October 17 2018

2008-04-15T05:37:00.000-07:00

In a rare turn of events the Alaska – China Debt Deal was wiped off the table and a new treaty was drafted and signed in the early morning. After it was clear that the US resistance against selling Alaska to China was beyond negotiation the US delegation had to draft a new proposal. China had made it clear that this meeting needed to have some results to be able to eliminate part of the US debt, under threat of an embargo against the US, which would have left the once powerful nation spiraling down into an even bigger financial chaos leading to more food shortages and grinding the nation to a halt. Not only does the treaty require the US to destroy 75% of their nuclear arsenal, but it also prohibits the US to aim nuclear war heads at the Asian continent any longer. Chinese inspectors under supervision of the UN will have full access to the remaining American nuclear sites to verify this part of the treaty.

Teenager Gets Fried in Electro-suit – Tokyo, Japan, January 10 2015

2008-04-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

TechnoTraveller, the Tokyo company that was making furor on the stock markets for the last months has recalled all of its 12 million Electro-suits after a teenager was found dead in a Tokyo park. The unfortunate youngster’s solar electro-suit, while powering his laptop, cell phone, iZune and Thermo-sweater malfunctioned and directed all the sun-powered energy to the Thermo-sweater. Built-in feedback systems that should have prevented such an event did not work appropriately and the Thermo-sweater function will from now on be disabled in the product, a TechnoTraveller spokesperson declared in a company press bulletin. The company’s hot selling item was the driving force behind TechnoTraveller’s dethroning of Google as Wall Street’s darling finding a need for cheap power on the road to fuel all electronic portable devices and warming people in cold climates by using high-efficient solar fuel cells weaved into a suit. TechnoTraveller stocks plummeted by more than 55%. The press bulletin further stated that although the recall will decrease profits and losing the Thermo-sweater feature will impact sales, there is no need for panic by shareholders and the future of solar clothing is still looking bright. The Tokyo coroner performing the autopsy is still trying to establish whether the cause of death was sixth-degree burns or electrocution.

Spanking and "The Belt" Get Reinstated In 17 More States - Lincoln, Nebraska, November 19 2015

2008-03-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

Six months after Texas reinstated spanking and giving children "The Belt" as disciplinary tools, 17 states have followed suit, including larger states like California and Virginia. The newly legalized forms of these ways of corporal punishment are very strictly defined in the “Spanking Bill” that has been passed by the Texas legislature early this year and has been adopted without amendments by the other states. Parents and teachers are required to take a 4 hour course to become certified to make use of these correctional educational methods. Only with this certification is it allowed to apply these ways of disciplining for:

Parents - only with their own children.

Teachers - only with their own students.

Anything outside these limitations or not following the strict guidelines set by the Spanking Bill will make people subject to the "Sally Lieber Law", as it has become known as, a federal law that got accepted in 2009 and evolved from fining people who were practicing spanking to an minimum sentence of 2 years in prison after amendments in 2010. States have been looking for ways to opt out of this law, especially after studies in 2011 showed that households were being disrupted by this law, with sometimes one, sometimes both parents having to spend time in jail resulting in a spiraling down effect for families towards poverty and in many cases "other" forms of crime. The certification course is fully booked in Texas for the coming two years and the state is looking for expansion of their program into many locations statewide to try and keep up with demand.

Antique, intact IKEA "Billy" bookcase sells for 10 billion dollar – London, England, April 5th 2123

2008-03-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

Sotheby's in London was pleased to see an item change hands for 10 billion dollars. An anonymous bidder from China called in the final bid. He purchased a "faux wood" IKEA Billy bookcase in mint condition and still in its original boxes for the astonishing amount of a 1 with 10 zeros. In 2008, the same Billy would have sold for $ 59.99. The IKEA "Billy" line of bookcases was one of the best selling items when IKEA was the number one retailer in the world in the late 1990's and early part of the 21st Century. An estimated one in four households worldwide in 2031 was said to have one of these now extremely rare pieces of furniture. IKEA spiraled downwards in the second half of the 21st Century after trying to make the transition to all-plastic products after the UN All-plastic Resolution of 2143 forbade any company to make use of trees and plants in their products. Companies like PlastoFurn and SynthoDesign that were already geared towards all-plastic drove IKEA out of the market with amazing speed to its bankruptcy in 2087. In the early 2100's people started collecting IKEA furniture and products and collectors have been driving prices up dramatically to the insane level that was reached today.

Caffeinated Burger Turns Out To Be Bestseller - Brussels, Belgium, September 18 2011

2008-03-02T21:29:00.000-08:00

Quick, the Belgian fast food chain, started in the 1980's to counter the exponential growth of US based franchise fast food restaurants in Belgium, announced today that their recently introduced 'Wake Up Giant', is their best selling breakfast item and their second best overall item after the classic Giant. A local owner of one of the no. 1 franchise restaurants in France and Belgium in downtown Lyon, said it was amazing to see sales levels this high so short after the introduction. People's first reactions to the new 'Slap in the Face Burger' as it has been marketed, was 'Gross!', 'Revolting!' and to the French 'American!' (an insult in itself in France). People rejected the seemingly impossible combination right out, afraid that it would taste horribly. Jean Dupuis, the Novelties Product Manager at the Quick Burger Gourmet Institute in Lyon, explained that the caffeine cannot be tasted in the burgers. He made clear the caffeine is encapsulated by fat beads in the burger through a patented method and could not reveal any of the chemical and technical details. 'Once the fat beads get dissolved by enzymes in the stomach, the caffeine is released and the "slap in the face effect" will kick in', according to Dupuis. The burgers contain triple the amount of a Starbucks regular medium coffee. In a response to the fact that this item seems to be replacing the "French as French can be" breakfast classic the croissant more and more, Dupuis stated: 'Hey, at least it is a European invention.' McDonald's has announced it will launch new breakfast items next month, insiders in the fast food industry think it will be an answer to Quick's new best seller.

Hamburger Gluttons Lose Favorite Spot - Orinda CA, March 3 2012

2008-02-23T15:44:00.000-08:00

Last year's gold medal winner in the State of the Burger Award, Hanson's Honest Burgers, located in Downtown Orinda, was shut down by a FDA food inspector. Howard Hanson, the owner of the locally praised burger establishment was taken into custody by the Orinda PD. He was out on bail two hours later. A police official declared Hanson has been charged with acts of food poisoning and serving illegal substances. The health inspector declared he had been served hamburger patties that contained twice the amount of trans fat that can be served in restaurants. Hanson stated that this was a clear case of provocation by the food inspector as the food inspector specifically asked for "Nevada Style" beef. Hanson stated he always has a personal stash of Nevada Style import beef that he eats after his work is done. 'I hope people can still serve themselves what they want in this country', was his response as he was on his way to seek legal counseling and file a lawsuit against the California State Health Department. In the meanwhile the burger craving population of Orinda will have to live without their favorite burger.

Garbage Island Reaches Out to the World – Seoul, South Korea, April 25 2088

2008-02-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

For the first time in its short history has the Great Pacific Garbage Patch reached out to the outside world for help. The island build on the huge patch of drifting garbage that gets collected by the North Pacific Gyre in the Pacific Ocean is running out of space. Not only running out of space to build on, but also space for agricultural and energy needs. Most of the food and energy supply is based on the square mileage of drift area available to algae and plankton to settle on the bottom side of the various forms of flotsam and jetsam that get tagged onto the island by the Pacific Trash Vortex. The algae and plankton get collected by the inhabitants and are used either for consumption or to fuel power plants along the continent. The "Continent Council", as the group of worried scientists that has started this initiative has named itself, has send a request to the governments of all the countries that make up the Pacific Rim to stop destroying and recycling their collected waste but to simply dump it into the sea to help grow the island's size and in particular its sea-facing surface. Several countries, including South Korea and New Zealand have shown an interest into this opportunity to rethink their method of national waste management. The United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) has declared this is totally unacceptable and the damage to the Pacific Ocean's fragile environment could be disastrous. They are drawing up a resolution to block the proposed change of waste disposals in these interested countries and to see what measures could be taken to take actions against the small continent to make them retract their potentially damaging request. Garbage Island hasn't recognized any outside authority as of yet, including the United Nations, that on their part has officially recognized it as a continent in 2043. The UN declared that the continent reaching out to nations that are part of the UN has ended their status aparte as a rogue continent and will force them to become part of the family of nations that make up this world. All the countries that have shown an interest in 'helping out' and honoring this request outsource their waste management to poorer countries and is costing them a considerable part of their yearly budget. ----> Previous Post

Two Divisions of Minutemen Merge into US Army – Houston TX, August 19 2022

2008-02-09T10:13:00.001-08:00

The President today declared in a press conference that two divisions of the notorious Minutemen will merge into the US army. He signed the Special Troops Addition Bill that was passed by congress last month to help him meet the desired troops requirements in Mongolia near the Chinese border as advised by general Mervin. Democrats protested that the bill was not meant for this kind of enlistment but merely for hiring mercenaries outside of the country. The President stated his actions were covered in this bill. The Minutemen, a privately funded group of armed volunteers, initially created to hunt down illegal immigrants along the Mexican border at the beginning of this century and more recently known for their crackdown on gangs in inner metropolitan areas are known for their cruelty in action. Democrats were venting their fear that these undisciplined thugs will try and provoke the Chinese troops on the other side of the border. The Minutemen have stated on many occasions and in manifests that they think a war with China is desirable. The President defended this decision by stating that we need every good man that is willing to defend its country. Democrats responded jokingly and stated that they agreed and that 'good' should be better defined by the President. Senator DiCaprio asked the President if he was trying to start a war by his action. The President referred to his speech last weeks wherein he stated that a troop buildup is necessary to guarantee the existence of a free Mongolia. 40.000 troops will be merged into the US Army by this addition. The US Army will be billed by the Minuteman foundation, but the costs have not yet been disclosed as they are still under negotiation.

Bad Choice of Song Main Reason for Hillary's Demise - Washington DC, May 12 2008

2008-01-29T22:29:00.001-08:00

Hillary Clinton's downfall and loss of the Democratic nomination is uniquely blamed by experts on her bad choice of campaign song. The 1984 song When the Lady Smiles by the Dutch rock band Golden Earring sounds catchy and added a nice touch to Clinton's growing popularity and ever growing lead in the election primaries. But after the revelation came that the video clip that came with the song was banned in the US after its release, because it featured the attempted rape of a nun, her campaign started spiraling down. Never was a primary campaign lost as a results of such a "trivial" blunder. Campaign managers have taken the blame for not thoroughly checking all their materials.
WATCH THE VIDEO: When the Lady Smiles

Highway Patrol Is Considering Lifting Maximum Speed For 'Gold lane' - 13 October 2014, Miami, Fl

2008-01-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

Florida Highway Patrol has unveiled new policy where users of the 'Gold Lane', as the high priced exclusive freeway lanes have become known as, pay a flat fee per ride to allow them to ignore the maximum speed. Highway Patrol policy maker, Jen Giordano, shared details in a Q and A with the press. She stated the PFLU (Premium Fast Lane Users), the official term for these wealthy drivers, will be able to pay a flat fee when entering the Miami State Highway System and as a result have no more speed restrictions in the Gold Lane, which is presently set at 80 mph, for the duration of their ride. Giordano said these VIP commuters will speed anyway and rather pay fines than change their driving habits. He also stated that the big benefit of this change will be that fact that it would save law enforcement officers a lot of time from writing up speeding tickets and administrative work resulting from continuous speeding on the Gold Lane. Gold Lane Drivers who don't want to pay the flat fee will remain restricted to the maximum speed. They will be alerted in their cars and will be required to make way for flat fee Gold Lane users upon penalty of a considerable fine that is yet to be determined. The Motorway Lane Equality Association (MLEA) says it is saddened by this decision and predicts it will further increase the inequality on American roads and probably result in more road rage.

Camino de Los Indios Gets Demolished to Make Way for Billion Dollar Estates - Santa Chavez, Venezuela, October 9 2043

2008-01-20T14:15:00.000-08:00

36 years after the building of Camino de los Indios, or Santa Chavez (as it has later been renamed) started, the last of the low income apartments have been torn down to be replaced with luxurious villas to accommodate the rich and wealthy. The city that was the brainchild of former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, has been cleansed of all its former idealism and communist principles to make way for the needs of the rich and famous: Multibillion dollar villas, ranches and estates. To be amongst the lucky few to own a place in this very exclusive neighborhood you have to be in the top half percent income bracket of a wealthy nation. After the 2027 Chili, Argentina and China backed coup and the installation of a capitalist government, Venezuela has transformed rapidly into a wealthy consumer and capital driven economy. The percentage of people living in poverty has not changed significantly due to these changes and is expected to remain flat, even with the economy showing skyrocketing growth. Most of the inhabitants of Santa Chavez have returned to the neighborhoods they originally came from; slums in Venezuela's capital Caracas and slums in other larger cities in Venezuela. Santa Chavez is likely to undergo a name change. In Venezuela most people refer to it now as San Dorado.

'Organic' Label Disappears from Packaging - Sacramento, CA, April 5 2022

2008-01-17T21:27:00.000-08:00

A federal bill was passed that no longer allows producers to put the label 'Organic' on packaging. 75 percent of all food products are now considered to be organically grown following strict USDA guidelines. Non-organic products will be required to carry the label 'Poisonous Substances Included' with a description of the methods involved that make it break the 'Organic' USDA standards. People are required to sign a liability waiver over their Wi-net connection on the magnetic product tag on the package, stating they have read the implications of using the product. Non-organic (or should we say 'Poisonous' products from now on?) are still bought in abundance by the lowest income bracket of the population.

Disney's Private Military Forces Clash with National Guard – Anaheim, California, March 2 2017

2008-01-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

Two days after a National Guard sniper accidentally shot a lieutenant belonging to the private military company Disney Guard Force in what they describe as an unfortunate accident, Disney Force Guards beat up on a National Guard private going home after a night out, leaving him in critical conditions. Tensions had been building up between the two armed forces groups that have been defending the Disneyland complex after the 'Toontown Terror' incidents earlier this year. The series of seven terrorist attacks, claimed by combined Al-qaeda and Venezuelan terrorists, have targeted Disney rides and Disney Toon characters and have resulted in a 152 visitors, five actors playing Mickey, Goofy and Pluto dead and Thunder Mountain in ruins by a bomb blast. Governor Dicaprio stated he will speed up the legal battle over who is to be in charge of the security at the Disney complex after martial law was declared by special decree. He also passed an emergency measure that has assigned the National Guard to guard Disney's California Adventure Park and the Disney Force Guard to be in charge of Disneyland's security. The National Guard sniper who shot the Disney Guard Force officer is under investigation. His initial statement right after the incident was that his sensor indicated a non-authorized armed person on the roof of the Sleeping Beauty Castle and that his instructions were to shoot without hesitation. With the sun in his eyes the National Guard sniper could not recognize the Disney Guard Force uniform and security camera footage has confirmed that the unfortunate officer had removed his 'Mickey Ears' helmet to give him some relief from the relentless spring heat that has been scorching Southern California. Disney Guard Force personnel have been briefed to never remove their helmets under any circumstances.

Vacubot Goes Haywire Due to Easter Egg, Terrorizes Family – Kansas City, KA, April 13 2009

2008-01-04T21:33:00.000-08:00

An automated vacuum cleaner that is widely known for its amazing ability to work around the house non-stop without bothering people went berserk last night in Kansas City leaving a family of four injured and their cat dead. Broken ankles, shattered toes, bruised shins, stitches, a concussion and the family's long-time feline companion buried in the yard were the result of a programmer's joke gone sour. The vacubot's software had been humorously shipped with an 'Easter Egg', a piece of software code that unlocked its speed limiting system and reversed the HIBS (Human Injury Blockage System) feature when being forced to go back and forth over 20 times on any Easter Day. The father of the family described how his son was playing with the automated contraption on Easter Day and kept jumping in front of it while the robot was trying to get to a piece of fuzz. 'All of a sudden the wheels started spinning like crazy and rammed with full speed into my son, who broke a couple of foot bones instantly. I tried to stop the robot, but I couldn't hold on long enough to turn the switch off. It slipped through my fingers and it rammed my foot and shin. I grabbed my son and jumped on the couch where we were safe. My wife and daughter walked in from the backyard and were both rammed. My daughter fell over and was smacked in the head by the wretched thing. My wife pulled her up quickly and they climbed up on the kitchen table. We decided to wait until the batteries would run out. After two hours our cat walked in and we tried to scare her out of the house, to no avail. She got hit by the robot at full speed and was knocked unconscious immediately. There was nothing we could do. It kept ramming into Tiger until it ran out of power.' Jackson Campbell, a spokesperson for UltraSuck, the manufacturer, responded with pointing out that it was a tragic incident and that the family will be compensated for their grief, discomfort and medical expenses. He said they traced the malicious piece of software back to one programmer who they suspect put in the code. Answering the question why the Vacubot could develop the high speed that was the cause of the seriousness of the damage, while in normal mode only going at 2 mph, the spokesperson answered that the motors in these bots are also used in other products, like scoot mobiles where more power is required. He added that the speed limiting system can never be disabled if not for some intended glitch in the software, which is what happened in this case. The name of the engineer has been forwarded to the police and an arrest is expected. UltraSuck will release a downloadable patch on their web site to eliminate the Easter Egg's faulty code from the machine. The family's wife responded to our reporter by stating this was a very sick joke and that the word Easter Egg will never mean what it used to.

Michael Jackson's tomb will be opened by team of Egyptologists tomorrow - Bahrain City, Bahrain, February 10 2193

2008-01-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson's burial site will be opened by a team of established Egyptologists per request of the Jackson family. The maximum time restriction that can be put in a will for opening a person's grave in Bahrain, 150 years, expires today for Jackson's tomb. The family hopes to find valuables that will turn them into billionaires. Michael Jackson was buried in the Jackson Pyramid outside of Bahrain City that the rock star had planned to be bigger than the great pyramid of Giza. In the ten year period of construction before Jackson's death it only reached half of the size of the Great Pyramid due to problems with financing. Michael Jackson was mummified and buried in the pyramid's tomb in 2043 at age 85. Fans of the still immensely popular musician are hoping that Egyptologists will discover what the cause was of his changing and deteriorating nose, which has surpassed Cleopatra's (the ancient Ptolemean queen) as the most talked about nose in history. According to Baey Thimo, the famous muso-historian, Jackson suffered from a rare nose disease that has been widely accepted as the reason for his reclusive behavior after his last and most successful musical period in the early 2010's. After 2015 there have been no published pictures of him.

Scientists Make Leap Forward in Zombie Virus Research - Oslo, Norway, January 2047

2007-12-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

Scientists from three Universities on three continents have uncovered some of the fundamentals that seem to be the cause of the behavioral changes in patients infected with the RD-virus, among the public referred to as the Zombie Virus. Dr. Angelson of Oslo University, research coordinator for this project, stated today in a press conference that the virus seems to specifically target the higher brain functions that are associated with social behavior and empathy. Patients are often behaving like wild animals, without any signs of being socially aware of their environment. Other areas that seem to be affected are the brain center that causes fear and pain. Having lost the knowledge of how to feed themselves as we are used to, they look for the most abundant source of food around them; other humans. The virus seems to be highly infectious and has now been diagnosed on all five continents. Epidemiologists have been studying zombie movies like George Romero's Living Dead series in detail since the outbreak started three years ago. They are amazed at how accurately real life seems to be catching up with these movies, although we are not where 'Night of the Living Dead', the first installment of the series took off, yet...

Moon Jumping Contest on Phobos Leaves over 1000 People Missing - Mars Central, Mars, March 14 2223

2007-12-15T14:40:00.000-08:00

The increasingly popular yearly Moon jumping contest on Phobos has left one man immensely wealthy and 1013 people lost in space. This year's edition also saw a maximum amount of contestants, over 25000. It seems more people are willing to risk their lives to become a billionaire overnight. Contest officials say this year people were again very creative making up devices to shoot them up into space ranging from springs, to hydraulic devices to fuel-driven contraptions, in an attempt to bring them as far from Phobos without escaping its gravitational pull. Gargoyle Swenson of Mars Central took the grand prize of a 100 billion Universal Credits this year. 'I am going to move to Earth and party for the rest of my life', was his comment. The contest is one of the few ways to leave Mars and its depressing mining towns. People have to save on average about 5 years to pay for the trip from Mars to Phobos. Phobos was the second extraterrestrial object to be colonized (in 2153) by humans and was used a stepping stone to develop Mars as a colony. Janet Grenache, this year's runner up told our reporter that this was the worst outcome and being asked if she would try again, she said she would never compete again. After this definite statement she left the press and bystanders in awe when she loaded her power spring boots at maximum tension and intentionally disappeared into the voids of outer space. In the Phobos Jumping Contest the winner takes it all.

Foie Gras Smugglers Get Sentenced to Life in Prison - Maastricht, The Netherlands, July 15 2015

2007-12-08T22:20:00.001-08:00

Three French citizens have been sentenced to life in prison for attempting to smuggle 60 kilos of goose liver into the Netherlands. The trio was arrested after crossing the Dutch border from Belgium, where foie gras is not prohibited. The Dutch government raised the sentence from 20 years to life in prison in a controversial bill last year. This is the first time this harsh sentence has been given in the Netherlands for this offence. Chicago initiated the immer growing international ban on foie gras in 1996 as the first city to outlaw the delicacy. The Dutch judge admitted three lives are wrecked by this sentence, but according to the new law there was only one outcome possible. The highly successful 'Partij voor de Dieren' (Party for the Animals) who holds only 8 percent of the popular vote has been benefiting from the need for deals in the current Dutch minority government. As a single-issue party they have been able to push many of their issues through by deals with other parties in need of enough votes to have their own legislature pass. The French government has filed an official complaint with the European Parliament and is threatening to take the matter to the International Court, ironically situated in The Hague in The Netherlands. France also announced it will stop all cheese import and export to and from The Netherlands. The French foreign secretary declared: 'The French can certainly live without Dutch cheese, but the Dutch can't without French cheese.'

Old Tradition Puts Netherlands on US Black List - Washington DC, December 1 2024

2007-12-05T08:58:00.000-08:00

The Netherlands, one of the oldest democracies in the world is black-listed (pun not intended) by the US government. Secretary of State Daren Powell stated President Jackson has cancelled his scheduled visit to the small country in the heart of Europe. The reason is that the Jackson administration can't visit a country where the most widely celebrated holiday is a tradition where a white bishop-like figure hands out toys to kids with help from black servants. Sinterklaas (Saint Nicolas), as the festive children's holiday is called, takes place on the fifth of December. An old grey haired red robed saint whose origin dates back to 12th century Turkey comes in his steamboat from Spain to reward children who have been 'good' with gifts. He is aided by a merry band of 'Zwarte Pieten' (Black Petes), men painted black with shoe polish and wearing black tights. They perform acrobatic tricks, traditionally behave dumber than average people and throw handfuls of candies whenever they get a chance. A press officer for the White House declared the President could not as an African-American visit a country were children are taught that colored people are the dim-witted servants of a white man. He stated that he and all Americans have been struggling and fighting for minorities' rights for too long to ignore this issue for the sake of international relations. 'What signal would the first black President of this country be sending to his voters and the rest of the world?', the White House official stated in the press conference. The Dutch Secretary of State tried to persuade the administration to reverse the decision, stating that it was an innocent custom that in no way teaches people race inequalities. 'They are fairy tale figures, just like Santa Claus' elves, and children do not associate them with people of color as many studies have pointed out.' He admitted inviting the first black US President to the Sinterklaas celebrations was maybe an unfortunate choice, but they just happened to coincide and it seemed an opportunity to show something culturally unique to the country. There have been discussions in the Netherlands about the Zwarte Pieten from the 1980's on. At some point the Zwarte Pieten were replaced by 'Rainbow Petes', their faces painted in all different colors. The Netherlands is threatening to withdraw their US ambassador.

Child Porn Cybercops Die in Bust-gone-bad Shoot-out – Peoria, IL, December 11 2008

2007-12-04T20:36:00.000-08:00

In a bizarre incident two child porn cybercops who were both under the assumption that they were meeting with a potential sex offender ended up shooting each other. One was a local cybercop and the other with the Child Porn Task Force of the FBI. Both officers were unaware of each other's investigation. Eyewitnesses stated that both pulled their guns at the same time and both of them showed their badges. Neither officer was willing to put down their weapon. After a long silence one of them twitched and they both opened fire. 'It was just like High Noon', one of the bystanders told our reporter. Both were fatally wounded in the head and died at the scene. Their names have not been released by the local police or the FBI. Spokespersons for both institutions declared the loss of two good law officers an unfortunate incident with no one to blame. This re-opens the debate about a centralized crime investigation database once again.

Pop Goes the Light Bulb - Canberra, May 2 2009

2007-11-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

Australia has been aggressive in trying to force their population to use fluorescent light bulbs or 'Twisty Bulbs', as they are also known. The traditional light bulbs have been banned by the government since last October and people can be fined a 100 ASD per screwed in traditional bulb. The policy hasn't had much effect, as there is no way to enforce the measure. Last night the Australian Energy Department ordered without announcement to send a short power surge through the entire Australian power grid. As a result the banned traditional bulbs popped in households across the nation, but not the government approved twisty bulbs, which have been designed to withstand the limited power surge. People were outraged by the intrusive action by the Australian government. Jake Spencer, the Energy Commissioner defended the policy by saying that people have been well-informed that using the old bulbs is a crime and that this is a legitimate way to get rid of them once and for all. He added: 'Expect more of these unannounced surges in the coming year as people have stocked up on the old bulbs when we started going after them aggressively. I wish we could rid ourselves of more illegal devices with one push of a button.' To illustrate he stated that if they could remove illegal weapons by remote means, it would have been done already. Protests against increased government involvement in the home space were seen around the country. Shops around the country also reported record sales of fluorescent light bulbs and most were out of stock by the end of the day.

Redrawing of European Borders Approved by European Parliament - Brussels, October 27 2032

2007-11-25T21:01:00.000-08:00

The European Union has agreed to redraw the borders of the European Union one last time. Many countries and minority groups have filed requests to change their countries' frontiers after the breakup of Belgium went in effect on April 1 of this year. Protests have been flaring up since this dramatic change in the heart of the EU became reality after the Belgian government signed the issue over to the EU Parliament. This has caused serious instability to many regions in the EU. The EU wants to rid itself from this fragile situation once and for all. Any organized minority group or country that wants to make a claim to redrawing borders can submit a request to the European Union until the end of 2033 starting today. Amongst the countries and minorities that are expected to make a claim are the Basque people, Moldavia, Kurds and Armenians in Turkey, Catholics in Ireland and many of the minorities in the Balkan. Some people predict that even long established regional minorities may seize the opportunity to break up borders that have been stable for two hundred years or more, like the Frysians in the Netherlands, the Sami people in Scandinavia and the Scottish in England. Many people fear it will be a repeat of the Paris Peace Conference of 1919, seen by many historians as the cause of the Second World War. Several countries outside the EU have voiced their concerns. UniAm, the United American League of Nations, has delivered a statement that they are very apprehensive about this decision, that they hope that the EU will reconcile on this far-reaching policy and stressed that they won’t help out, as they have in the past, if the European continent gets plunged into war because of this. The EU commission says they are aware of the unrest this decision is causing and realize it will be a hard and painful process in which not all parties can be pleased. Every claim will be taken seriously, but according to the press release the redrawing will take many years of discussion and legislature and the commission does not expect many claims will be rewarded. The old Redrawing Feasibility Commission will be disbanded and reformed to become the Redrawing Claims Commission with the addition of representatives of all countries and minorities involved. Israel is seizing the opportunity and stated that they will again make a claim to become part of the European Union, now that the EU borders are under discussion.

Big Mac and Globes Get Unpegged - United Nations, New York, September 2034

2007-11-22T07:10:00.001-08:00

The Globe, the virtual world currency that was introduced in 2023 when monetary fluctuations were causing a financial world crisis, will no longer be pegged to the price of a Big Mac. The McDonalds favorite is no longer viable as a monetary unit now that the burger company is retreating from more and more countries and can't seem to get out of the slump it has been in. The IMF declared it will probably look at pegging the Globe to five or more globally used products. Rumors have it that Coke, Starbucks and Heineken are to be part of the list. Analysts are speculating on what the public will choose to replace 'Big Mac' with as slang for the Globe. Frappé, Coke or Heini just don't sound as good.

Hybrid or Transformer? - Osaka, Japan, December 5 2009

2007-11-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

Honda, the second largest car maker in the world has surprised friends and foes at the 2009 Japan Car Show. They unveiled their newest hybrid called the Honda Morpho. Not only does the car boast a 120 mpg outclassing all of its rivals, but the rather dull looking average mid-size hatchback can morph into a sleek, powerful race car that can compete with Europe's finest with one push of a button. Not only the exterior changes, but an intricate system of expanding tubes, cylinders and air intake turn the gas saver into a fuel-guzzling racer from hell. Naka Hirato, the lead designer gave us some insights into why Honda comes out with this uber-hybrid: 'Honda asked me to come up with something to break open the hybrid market for the younger demographic. The idea is that when you are driving alone you use the 'Dr. Jekyll' mode and save some money, but in the evening when you pick up your date, you turn it into 'Mr. Hyde'; a hot rod that will outperform about 95 percent of cars on the streets.' The 'Evil Twin' version of the car barely reaches 4 mpg.

The Red Sox Go Yellow and Green? - Boston, August 11 2012

2007-11-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

Fenway Park and the Red Sox go green with a yellow (or is it golden?) twist. Last night the home of the Red Sox premiered their new environmental initiative. Without any announcements loyal fans discovered a novelty while emptying their bladders. All of the stadium's urinals were equipped with a long tube with small water wheels in them. Small amounts of electricity are generated each time someone takes a leak and stored in high efficiency fuel cells. The bathroom lights in the whole stadium are powered by this new green or 'yellow' energy as people immediately branded it. E-mails, blog posts and GoogTube videos spread the news virally. Marketing advisor for Fenway Park, George Bunsen said they specifically decided not to inform the press beforehand and let the internet do its work. He also stated that handing out free beers with the slogan "Drink More Bud and Save Energy" worked miracles to feed this hilarious new way of saving energy sponsored by the King of Beers. People were thrilled with the new initiative and some GoogTube videos showed women taking a peek in the men's room. Some women admitted they were jealous they could not contribute to this great cause. Jamie Constanz, the inventor and patent owner stated that they signed a contract with the Amsterdam Arena, the home of soccer club Ajax and was delighted over this European deal and added: 'After Amsterdam we are going aggressively after the UK market. Hell, we might even be able to feed energy back to the grid with the British drinking habits'. Fenway Park closed their bars with a beer selling record.

Garbage Archipelago officially recognized as continent by United Nations - New York, USA, July 19 2043

2007-11-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

The United Nations declared the big pile of garbage drifting in the Pacific Ocean, also known as the Pacific Trash Vortex that has seen its population skyrocketing over the last five years, as an official continent. Estimates put the population of the new continent at around 16 million people. The United Nations will probably name the continent themselves after representatives of the drifting islands declined the offer by the UN to put out a vote amongst its inhabitants to officially name the floating mass. One of the representatives stated that the island is an anarcho-chaotic free society and does not want any form of government and related institutions, including voting. The big garbage patch, made out of trash from all the countries that make up the Pacific Rim gathered by currents known as the North Pacific Gyre, was first discovered in the early 1980's. The first inhabitants were spotted in 2010. People are living of fish and the vast undergrowth of marine plants and algae. Water is collected from rainfall. The large increase 5 years ago came after the floating mass was proven to be self-sustainable without requiring the import of any products from outside. Although some worry that the island won't be able to keep up with the population explosion, environmental experts say the continent is still growing at a faster rate than the increase in people, allowing for an even faster growth rate than is taking place right now. The United Nations said it could no longer ignore the growing population of the continent. The overall reaction of its inhabitants is that they don't care about the recognition and don't want any involvement from outside.

'Keep Lindsay Sober' down! 'Save Britney' up! – Los Angeles CA, February 2 2011

2007-11-08T20:46:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, competing for viewers for the fifth year in a row may see their battle ending at the end of the season. Lindsay's show "Keep Lindsay Sober" has been seeing a consistent drop in viewers week on week now that Belle Mayers, the current 'Angel' of the show has managed to keep Lindsay out of trouble and away from addictive substances. Lindsay's best ratings were in the middle of last season when she was raped by the then current contestant, who is in prison serving a twelve year sentence. It is rumored that the show will not come back next season, although qualifying rounds of selecting new 'Angels' for the former teen star for next year have already started. "Save Britney's" ratings have skyrocketed since last week when she was caught snorting cocaine out of the belly button of her current 'Guardian', as the contestants are referred to in the NBC version. The guardian also seemed to be under influence of illegal substances. The results of the drug tests will be announced tomorrow. Besides already having been pulled from the show, Britney's 'Guardian' may face criminal charges as well. The stars of the shows themselves are excused from prosecution by large donations made by the respective media companies to drug rehabilitation programs, but the contestants are not. Britney checked into the NBC sponsored rehab center late last night were she will meet the next 'Guardian', a priest from Alabama who is convinced the Lord will help him save this innocent, sweet girl from the temptations of the devil.

Denmark starts importing sewer waste from developing countries for their 'brown' energy supply - Copenhagen, March 30 2012

2007-11-04T21:01:00.000-08:00

Denmark's energy department declared today they will start importing sewer waste from Third World countries to meet the demand for their hydrogen production facilities. Denmark, one of the front-runners in the production of hydrogen by means of facilitated bio-electrolysis, says they are only reaching 60 percent of their capacity with the insufficient amounts of sewer waste from their own population. Dan Mikkelsen, the project manager for this program, declared that the Danish people simple don't go the bathroom enough to fulfill the bio-hydrogen plants' needs. He jokingly stated that this was a better solution than trying to encourage people to start eating more. 'Brown energy is the future and if we can help some of our poorer nations in the process, it is all for the better', was his more serious response. The government funded TV commercial showing a man sitting on his toilet who is being shouted at by his family when he attempts to get off resulting in all the electrical devices in the house shutting down is exemplary of the humoristic approach the Danish government has taken to promote this program to the public. The YouTube video of this ad was last week's top download.

President Clinton declares she only became president to get back at her husband – Washington DC, April 20 2010

2007-11-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

President Hillary Clinton pleaded guilty today in her long awaited grand jury appearance to allegations that she has seduced a young white house attaché and had sex with him to get back at her husband. More shockingly she even revealed she only became president to get even with her husband. She said she was ready to step down after this grand jury hearing. The jury was in awe and asked if the president thought the highest job in the country was something to settle personal feuds with. The president refused to answer the question stating it had nothing to do with the investigation about, which was allowed. People around the country and worldwide are shocked by the candid confessions. President Clinton also declared getting truly even at her husband would really only work while holding the nation's top job. The country is in disarray and even the GOP hasn't reacted officially and is apparently confused how to respond to this opportunity. Reporters around the country are trying to find the whereabouts of ex-president Bill Clinton, which is unknown at this moment.

30 Percent of Work Force of Child Porn Internet Filter Company KidFriend Are Registered Sex Offenders – San Jose, CA, May 7 2011

2007-10-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

KidFriend, well known for their award winning child porn filter software seems to be in a nasty pickle. An investigation by a child abuse victim turned up a bizarre fact. A little less than one in three of its employees is listed as a registered sex offender under Megan's Law. A spokesperson for the company declared the company is not required anymore to ask about the criminal past of new hires and no wrong has been done. He stressed that all their employees are good and law abiding citizens. He admitted the news was embarrassing and possibly even damaging from a PR standpoint, but that it does not affect the integrity of the products they carry. Management will assess the situation and make changes where deemed necessary but for now they claim there is no reason to fire anyone. Connecting the sex offenders on the company's web site with the positions they hold show almost all of them work in the web screening and editorial filtering department.

Last Water of Colorado River Gets Bottled – Colorado Springs, CO - June 21 2023

2007-10-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

The last 100.000 gallons of potable water that will flow out of the Colorado River will be bottled by the Colorado State Water Company and sold to the highest bidders. The money raised will be used to fund desalination plants on the West and Gulf Coast to diminish the water debit that the state of Colorado has been building up. A spokeswoman for the California State Department has declared that California will not be hosting any plants to accommodate the state of Colorado if asked to. California was denied water rights to the Colorado River in 2011 after having lost a long lasting series of legal battles to retain the rights. According to experts the Colorado would have dried up in 2013 if it would have still had to supply the high consuming population of South California. California has been balancing on the edge of bankruptcy ever since their access to the Colorado River was denied with Southern California relying on expensive water imports and desalination plants. King Achmed of Saudi Arabia has shown an interest in the bottled rarity: "I would love to bathe in the Colorado River every morning or serve it to international guests".